Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, January 21, 2013

Oh yeah, that

Maybe 6 months ago I said that I'd decide whether to keep this blog going by January 15, which was the blog's 7th birthday.  I have gone bak and f orth a lot during that time and much of it was trying to figure out why I wanted to walk away.  The answer is simple, as it turns out.  I am at a point in my life where everything is strange and new and unfortunately a lot is going to be more strange and new over the next 6-8 months, which is as far ahead as I know.  I've written for years about what I was dealing with and tried to share what bipolar is like, lived in my shoes.  Right now I don't know what my shoes are like for me, much less to share.  I love support and kindness from the blog but I find that right now there's a lot of stuff I am dealing with, even working very hard at, that I'm not ready to share.  I don't want kindness or criticism.  I just want to be quiet.  I'm in the middle of asking a lot of very hard questions and answers that are even more difficult and the consideration after counseling means I need to spend time in my head.  If I write for me things come out faster and I am able to start being ready for Dr. Mind.  But if I write for the blog I have to make a lot more sense and at least try to adhere to some rules of grammar.  Writing for me also lets me say the same things 15 times on the same page with different approaches each time and it's not boring or confusing as it would be here.  For now I need to be able to cry and be upset as I write and it's just easier on my own.  I'm in a new place in life and learning to handle that is harder than I thought.

At the same time the blog means a lot to me and if I can post something that helps someone then I want to do that.  So what I've decided is that the blog will stay up and I'll post a lot less when I don't feel like  "talking" and I'll post more when I do.  If I go through this med change I will write about that because MAOI to MAOI changes are rare enough that I can't find information online about them at all, much less the unique kind I'm on to an older one.  My doctor has of course given me information but it often helps to read about what someone else felt going through the process.  There's still, I suppose, some hope that Dr. Brain has will find a way to get me the drug I'm on now.  I haven't heard from her though and I think I would if she had good news.  And we're running low on time for that.  There is also the simple fact that I am sleeping a lot right now.  My body is so happy to have medication that makes me sleepy at least 75% of the time and the nights I don't sleep I'm making up during the day.  After so many months or really 2 years of poor sleep if you count the months I couldn't sleep because of whooping cough/asthma/damaged trachea, this feels like a gift and well, it's like the best hot bath ever.

So this allows me to write to myself which is what I seem to prefer these days and also lets me share what I feel like.  I'm not going to feel pressured to post; I will when I am ready.  That too is part of why I wanted to consider stopping; it's hard to write about very painful things and then know you have to be sure to follow up because people might worry. 

I am taking on a new project as well.  There's essentially nothing posted yet because I have to write a certain amount of this before it makes sense to have it up, but I have a new blog.  The difference is that it is just and information blog and when it is finished it will be done.  It is about the things I learned while applying for SSDI and some of the things that I know helped my application to be the very rare rapdily approved mental health case.  I started to share the blog only to discover that I made a bad typo in the URL and will need to set up everything and transfer my posts.  So I'll tell you more about that later.  See, my focus is just elsewhere.

I'll be around.  But for now I'm going to go turn up the heat and work on some of the writing I know will be very difficult.


Anonymous said...

Glad you will keep adding to this blog.On a similar journey myself

Michal Ann said...

Thanks, Jen.

Write when you can. I understand.

xoxo Michal