anyway this might have a year ago IF i weren't so very sick right then. But i was and I don't remember a thing about my birthday. This year though it's hard to do that thing where you've left another rage behind and moved another step further away from the person you thought you'd be at 18. or 10. or 7. And while life is working out and I see the good in that even well enough to surprise Dr. mind last week when i pointed out the med washout period would be easier simply because i wasn't trying to work like the last time.
But in the course of the last 374 days everything I thought i would have in my life by this age changed or disappeared. as odd as it sounds it really bothers me that my surgical scars are fading. But fading means they aren't new and that it still hurts to know that there is no chance of having a child. I can say that I've made many courageous decisions and that is true. I did many things this year that hurt and yet were decisions i made. I agreed to the PTSD therapy and I am glad. i decided it was time to leave my job and I resigned. I have filled out mountains of paperwork and shared volumes of very personal information. i signed the consent for a hysterectomy. I adjusted to life near povery level and how hard that is. 3 years aGO i would have just gotten a new computer at this point. now I'm strethcing this one and supllementing wi my dead battery netbook that doesn't do some valuable things. I am watching my kitty get a little worse than she's ever been even with every winter dipping below baseline then improving. i woke up horrified from a dream last night that milk, something I love and drink around 2 gallons per week was reaching $7/gallon and i was giving up milk too.
i don't remember what I thought 37 would be as opposed to 35 or 40. I just know I didn't anticipate all the loss and knowing more is coming. A year from now i'll be moving from my home. It's another thing that both sucks and has to happen.
Grieving is all it is. grieving is just a lot of work.