Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Cleaning up the loose ends

I'm moved out of my house.  Now we spend the next few days cleaning and painting a little.  Tuesday the carpets are cleaned professionally and Thursday I sign with my realtor and the house will be listed.  This part is the worst part.  Starting to pack was hard but I did it gradually and it got easier.  Leaving with the cats to come here was hard but it doesn't feel all that real yet since I have been back and forth so much and the cats and I have stayed here before.  Moving the big stuff was really hard yesterday and the lack of preparation did not help.  Walking around empty rooms yesterday was hard but I think walking into the house and seeing it empty tomorrow will be worse because I only had a brief glimpse yesterday and was pre-occupied.  Signing will be hard but I also look forward to that because once that sign goes up the chances that someone will buy it and get this over with finally exist. I I'm praying for an extremely rapid sale.

I saw Dr. Mind today because I've been so upset.  After being up all night after my sister's comments I wound up crying hard for 30 minutes at my house after my mother was telling me I was wrong rather than giving the sympathy I desperately needed.  Suicidal/self-harm thoughts got stronger and so I went for help. 

I left confused. I have not been good about talking to people, especially my mother about the suicidal thoughts.  I have been supposed to and when it has come up I've not done it thoroughly or with the whole truth.  There haven't been a lot of times that I've actively avoided doing what Dr. Mind has said I need  to do, but this one is not a good one to start with.  Dr. Mind has made things safer by holding on to sharps and keeping the key to my meds in his office.  That's a lot, especially since it's been 18 months now.  I think he is saying that this stuff has all reached a point that if I get worse he'll have to act (ie he'll need to get me help, aka I'll be hospitalized) and that I need to be cooperating for him to not respond to  the problem of he's not available 24/7 and I currently have a 24/7 problem held together with bandaids.  These bandaids have worked but this is a less than easy time and they are under stress.  So we talked more about having my mom come and out of that I agreed to sign a release for him to talk to my mom.  I think partly he wanted me to just cooperate with something and partly this makes it less ethically tricky if he is worried that I need more supervision or I suppose if he wants me to go to the hospital and doesn't want me to drive myself.  I don't really know.  I wanted to ask questions but could feel that either I could wait or I could start the kind of crying that was going to keep me in his office for extra time and since he had already seen me in his lunch time I didn't want to do that.  And I needed to think.

I now need to know when he'd use the release.  I know it won't be without warning me but I don't know that it would take much for him to feel the situation was one that warranted doing it as I sit there. 

Right now I feel like I'm not well enough to be very involved in what is being done to treat me and that's really hard.  I'm used to helping make decisions and right now I am not that good at them. I know that Dr. Mind contacted Dr. Brain.  Dr. Brain spent 2 hours getting information out of me that I'd been unable to tell Dr. Mind.  I assume they've communicated since then but nobody has told me and I haven't asked.  I wish that we could all 3 talk because I have questions I'd like to hear both answer but it would have to be on the phone with Dr. Brain and trying to schedule that without 4-6 months notice would not work.  She has slots to fill but they won't correspond with Dr. Mind's.  It was easier when she was at Dr. Mind's office a few times a month; I don't remember them talking to me together except once but they did talk a lot and I was able to hear from both that they were on the same page.  Right now the only thing I have heard from both that I really wanted to hear was that they think they can keep me out of the hospital (mainly I think this is because there isn't a med to be changed to so unless I'm an actual danger to myself the hospital isn't going to do much except things like weaning me off of klonopin so I don't have it around as a risk and that did not work before.) banged into a staple on furniture) and he said that should hurt.  I didn't know about it until I saw blood.  I forgot that not feeling pain normally makes this whole thing even more dangerous.

Earlier this week we (he made me) talk about what if I gave in to the desire to cut and I injured myself and needed help.  I kept thinking at the time I know better unless I am not "just' cutting (which I'm not anyway) and it wasn't until I explained one of my bandaids on my knee to Dr Mind today (b

We'll see.  I wish this were easier.  I never thought that feeling this way would move in slow motion and for so long.  I wish I understood why this is such a problem now when it wasn't before.  I know plenty of reasons, many of which are good (I'm menopausal, I've lost more in 2 years than I thought I'd ever loose, we don't have extremely helpful meds available, even Dr. Mind's suggestion once that being in the hospital with others in this situation has changed how I react.  And to be fair 10/10 patients my last psych stay were suicidal, which is the only reason you get stuck on a psych unit for Christmas if it can be helped.

I just wish I knew how to do what I am supposed to do and that I were brave enough.  It's so hard when people react so unpredictably.

It's really NOT what I want.  Really it's not......

1 comment:

Jean Grey said...

I think you are reacting differently because you are not working. It just changes the mental calculations. I have been in somewhat of a mixed state this past week (summer solstice), and very miserable. But when I start to think suicide, I think about how behind I am with all my paperwork- I have to finish those first- and that is a pretty tall order. And so, here I am, very much alive. Of course when I get so depressed that I feel like I can't function- then I think I can't do my job and feel suicidal- so it works both ways. But things are just different when you are working vs. not working. As an OT you know, we are in part our roles, our occupations, and our environment.