Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Words hurt

Under pressure from Dr. Mind over the weekend I admitted to suicidal feelings strong enough to make me unsafe with sharp items to my mother.  I was prepared for nearly any response but the one I got.  Her first response was that she'd have to get another box cutter to replace the one I threw out (aka threw into a sewar water cover).  Then she said, in slightly different words, that she didn't believe me.  I told her that Dr. Mind and i wanted her to come with me to see him to explain this.  She ignored that although later on, after she'd talked to someone (I'm assuming), she ungraciously agreed to go.

Not being believed made me feel like the kid who had to have 2 knee surgeries because nobody believed anything and so she never complained when she fractured her ankle with enough force to pull tendons loose and instead kept running 5 plus miles daily beginning 2 days after the fracture.  It also made me feel worthless, something not needed right now.

I'm learning that it is also making me doubt everything.  It feels like everything I do is wrong and that whatever happens is my own fault.  After all, I'm "making up" a very serious symptom of my bipolar, if you believe my mother.  They tell me it's grieving and that grief has turned frightening because of my illness.  Dr. Mind pointed out that every cycle of bipolar tends to make the disease worse and that is why medications and counseling and compliance are so important.  He also pointed out that the atypical nature of my illness means that we can't  even begin to guess how many cycles my brain has endured and that this may be why so much has gotten worse in the last few years.  This makes a great deal of sense and makes me feel less responsible for what my brain does. I generally can maintain a separation between what my brain does and what I'm managing to control which has helped me stay safe:  I know that I don't want to listen to my brain if I just  take a minute to think and so far that has kept me safe although borderline at times.

She's coming with me in 2 weeks.  I dread it.  I think Dr. Mind will take the lead with talking but that could  mean no more than making me say things.  I know he said that he will make sure she listens and that he doesn't care if she  likes him or not. I'll be glad to talk to him so I know more specifically what is happening.

I hope Dr. Brain's wish/belief that this will clear up when I am in my new place is right.  This has been so long and hard and knowing there isn't another med that is likely to change anything is hard.  Even my very high dose of Seroquel is only doing a little. I also hope the new place happens sooner rather than later.  I want privacy and quiet.  I want my own bathroom without a litter pan in it.  My cats need more space to be happy and to move around more to stay healthy weights.    I want to make my own decisions.

1 comment:

Ruby said...

I'm sorry that this has been so hard for you. I believe you.