Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

In which I am NOT fishing for compliments nor bragging, despite what it sounds like

Today my mother came to my session with Dr. Mind.  It went ok.  She wasn't negative or argumentative and her only response was that maybe I should be seeing a psychologist.  (I call Dr. Mind one but he is really a licensed clinical counselor with a PhD in counseling).  Somehow I don't think there is anyone more qualified to treat me right now but it was I guess something to think about from her perspective when he explained he can't directly admit me to a hospital.  Overall it went well.

The hardest part I think was that he once again talked about my courage.  It's hard enough for me to agree to that, but sometime in the last year or so he told me that he had been thinking and realized that I'm one of the most courageous people he's known.  I deeply appreciate this.  I know it is why he has gone above and beyond to make me have the best life I could have.  I objectively know that some of what I've done has taken courage.  I easily could have run away from OT when I realized that it was not the easiest career choice for me, which was less than a year into the 10 years I did it.  I fought my way into getting appropriate treatment and good doctors when that was not at all easy at some point.  I've fought my way through nearly 70 med cocktails (I think that's right; I think it is 68 but could be off) and survived some pretty tough reactions.  I gave up working when it was clear I was done even though I nearly killed myself to avoid that decision. I battled with the Mirena and what it did to my mood and cognition for nearly a year and then decided to remove it when I knew that this meant I was probably going to return to painful and gory periods.  I went into the hysterectomy knowing that I had experienced an unexplained anesthesia reaction the year before and that all that could be done was to pray that the anesthesia with MAOI anesthesiologist had better luck.  I gave up my home.  I went through intensive PTSD therapy for a lot more sessions than it usually takes because I struggled so much.

 I have had courage.  What I don't think it that this is more courage than most people in my situation would be forced to have.  I don't feel that this is a choice, I think it is a simple choice:  do it or kill myself.  And while admittedly that has been a frequent option the last 2 years it is also true that I ave never quite reached a point where I felt that I would not feel guilty for doing it and I think that guilt means I still feel there is something to live for.  Everything I did has been because there are those 2 options for nearly anything.  I might have considered not doing OT but I needed the income to pay for my student loans and I wasn't qualified to do anything else.  I did nearly leave it in the first year to do wheelchair evaluations permanently but the job fell through.  Most of what I describe though was doing what I had to.  All the med cocktails were because the previous ones didn't work and I was hoping for something that would.  And I had that for a while.  The surgical procedures were necessary for quality of life.  Facing the things that no longer were right after the first surgery wasn't a choice but I was much more concerned with losing my job than I was with facing that things were changed for good.

I just am uncomfortable with with the "one of the most courageous people I've known" because I don't think courage and doing what is necessary to go on are the same.  I also have been so weak in the last 2 years.  I haven't been courageous enough to do this gracefully.  I can't help thinking that he could come up with many, many people much more courageous then me.  Yet I know Dr. Mind isn't big on hyperbole.  So I find this all confusing.

Yet hearing this made me tear up today.  I haven't heard much that I was doing right in a long time.  That's because it has been a long time since I was in a good, safe place and we're celebrating 2 weeks of doing ok.

In unrelated news my house went on the market last Monday, was shown on Wednesday and Friday I got an offer.  The offer was low and I have come down $5000 and the last offer was less than I will take and my realtor was told that the person wasn't likely to go higher.  So we'll now see if he takes my bottom line offer ($2000 more than he wants to pay; he really wants a bargain on this house and the $5000 lower price truly is a really, really good price for him so maybe he'll take it but I have a feeling that this is over.  It was pretty clear initially that he didn't want to pay what was worth; the first offer was $9000 below asking.  It is hard to describe the difference between houses selling for that and my house but it's huge.  We'll see tomorrow.  I want the sale to go through because he has a loan and is ready to go with a closing date in place.  That would be fabulous.  But I also don't want it to go through if I could get closer to the anticipated sale value.  So I'm ambivilant.  I am permanently attached to my phone, constantly checking for emails these days.

And with that I think it is bedtime.

No comments: