Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, July 04, 2013

the song apparently written for me

I posted a few days ago about david m bailey, a Christian musician who graduated from the same college as I did and who became a professional musician after a diagnosis of a very aggressive brain cancer. Listening to his music has made me realize I need more of it, but it also has made me realize that he wrote a song that he could have titled "What Just Me Jen needs to hear". t's a Everything he sings in that song are things I need reassurance are ok. There was a time back when I started seeing Dr. Mind that we worked very hard for me to be able to cry. Now I cry with him often, alone occasionally, and with Dr. Brain rarely. Now that my high dose Seroquel has caused some numbing it's a lot harder to cry. But for the most part I struggle with feeling so many things because determining appropriate emotions in the middle of a whirlwind of bipolarness. It's also hard to remember that just because I'm grieving doesn't mean that I am not allowed to laugh with little Anne (who turns 3 in 3 weeks so not so little) says something funny or that just because I've been laughing somewhat hysterically because of mania doesn't mean that I am blocking the door to my sadness. It's too much when people tell me that eventually I'll get back to living more. that's overwhelming and makes me feel pressured to be better than I am. I know perhaps I'll work somehow again and I do believe that this sadness and hatred of life will end. Right now I need to just have space to be where i am and not think ahead or behind. But I am happy when this little reminder pops up on my ipod, especially since if i don't feel like listening i just press a button. Someday Ill be ready to move forward but right now my moving forward is limited to waiting for someone to want to see my house and praying it sells this month. Looking beyond that is impossible and that's fair between what I've been going through and will continue to go through combined with the numbness from my medication. That probably will go away eventually but honestly it may mean a new increase if it does because numbness is helpful right now. Anyway, time to try to sleep with the air conditioner unit making noise. Somewhere I have ear plugs but I don't know where and the noise is more than I like. We'll see. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

1 comment:

Michal Ann said...

"It's o....kay..." Nice pictures, too.

Love, Michal