Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Try to relate these things

First, and biggest:  I SOLD M HOUSE!  For the record 2 weeks from listing to contract.  I will close on 8/19, which is also the week my new niece is scheduled to make an appearance.  I didn't get quite the money I wanted but it was so close that the fact that Wednesday I will make my LAST mortgage payment makes up for the difference since another higher offer would more than likely require me to make several more mortgage payments.  I have enough profit to make a substantial payment to my mom for the new home and still buy appliances and furniture (since downsizing means changes and hopefully I'll be getting a couch as well since mine is not in good shape and this is the time I'll have money to buy one.  Maybe).

Second, and also biggest, I have made it 3 weeks without dangerous thoughts.  Thank God the high dose Seroquel is helping.  However it's making me gain weight and that makes me mad.I will be better off when I am buying my own groceries; my mom keeps more junk in the house than I do and when it's here and I'm on this much Seroquel I eat it.

Third, I found a very good episode of Scrubs that explains a little bit about working in medicine with mental illness.  It's Season 3 and the episode is called The Catalyst.  Michael J Fox stars as a genius doctor with severe OCD.  He goes through the episode showing his genius skills and then at the end he is trapped washing his hands over and over for hours because the stress overwhelms him and makes his disorder worsen temporarily.  But in the next episode he is back and not only helps nearly everyone with something but he also conquered his greatest fear--which happens to be a toilet on the roof of the hospital.  It is so much like what it used to be like.  Good times when I knew what I would have been as a therapist without bipolar and bad times when it was bigger than I was.  When I left my first job a COTA who I had worked with since my first day and who I was very close to gave me a reference saying I was the best OTR he had ever worked with.  That kept me going for a lot of time when I wasn't the best OTR anyone had encountered.  Looking back now I see that sometimes I was very good.  And plenty of times I was affected by my disease and I wasn't good.  I had some good periods those first few years and I think I was in control most of that time.  When I was working in psych and then years later home health I was good at what I was doing.  I was a little more stable in those years.  Well, in home health I was.  I'm not sure about the stability with psych, that was just an environment where I thrived and an exceptional employer until it was bought out by a real estate developer who handled medicine like home sales.  That didn't work.  I moved from really good to really struggling because my assistant was fired and I was working WAY too many hours until she was replaced (which happened after I was on disability.)  That period of instability stretched for about 3-4 years where I was not good at my job.  It's hard to admit now that sometimes I just wasn't good but I did what I could and I cared.  Always. But it was a fight to do my job and sometimes I didn't remove it.

I need to get back to my sewing.  Anne's birthday is Saturday (3!  Can you believe that?  THREE!) and I am trying to finish a dress for her by Wednesday.



Ruby said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better and that things are looking up for you in general. My son is on Seroquel and Depakote to treat his bi-polar (he'll be 19 this month) and theses meds have saved his life, and quiet possibly my sanity. I tried Seroquel to treat my bi-polar disorder. It was a no go. Not only did it not work for me, but I gained a huge amount of weight, FAST. And it's been very difficult to lose that weight. I'm glad it's helping you. I get the weight gain thing, and wish it didn't work way. Although, come to think of it, it doesn't have that effect on everyone. My boy is 6'5" tall at almost 19 years old, and ways 125lbs fully clothed and sopping wet! We fight to put weight on him, and celebrate every pound gained.

I'm really glad you're feeling safer, I know from personal experience how difficult it can be to fight those "dark thoughts".

Just Me Jen said...

Seroquel itself made me gain weight initially. Seroquel XR and then Emsam (MAOI patch) in combination with stopping Depakote ER which I was on a huge dose of (3000 mg or 3500 mg) let me lose weight. So I'm surprised to gain anything after so many years of being on Seroquel XR, but menopause and not exercising much have also caught me and I've been eating carbs b/c of stress.

It is strange how the meds affect weight differently for so many people. When I was first on lithium which is supposed to be pretty weight neutral I gained 40 lbs in 4 months. The first months of Depakote I gained only 8 lbs. but my blood levels didn't get high enough so I had to take more and more just to get to the minimum blood level and then I needed a high blood level to respond so I took even more. Depakote was a tough drug for me though and I don't miss it. I've been afraid of being put back on it during this period of not having new meds to try but I think Dr. Brain feels it wasn't very effective and when you consider what it took to keep my blood level stable (we'll leave it as I have scar tissue over the veins of both arms that can make blood draws hard because I had blood drawn all the time for a long time) it's not worth it.

I'm glad your son has found his magic combination and I hope you (and I) do too someday. I think we will. I had it for a little while and it was wonderful.