Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, January 31, 2015

And then it hit me

Yesterday I posted about being surprised when Dr. Mind called to check on me after I missed a week of therapy.  I thought it was probably related to my history of being very suicidal around this time of year and he knows that there was a lot of sadness with the holidays this year.  

The more I thought about it the more I realized that I remember only fragments from the worst of that time and then I was still having suicidal/self-harm thoughts for another year and a half after that so that it almost became normal thinking that I had learned ways to work around.

I don't know if it ever hit me until today that I could have died.  At the time of course I knew that but mostly that was what I wanted.  I did not want to live a life where I couldn't be who and what I wanted to be.  And while eventually I got help and did not hurt myself thanks to many months of extremely close monitoring (and 2 1/2 years of being on a safety plan-well, really more since even now the Crisis center's phone number is programmed into my phone and that will always be there now) I was helped to stay alive when it wasn't what I really wanted.  I don't know exactly what made me get help and go to the hospital.  I do remember admitting to Dr. Mind later that I almost didn't tell the hospital, thinking that I would leave and feel justified since I did try to get help and they didn't pick it up so it wasn't my "fault".  But I was still so sick then that I didn't understand the reality of what I nearly did.

Today that hit me rather hard.  I know the statistics.  25-50% of bipolar individuals will attempt suicide at least once.  15% succeed.  It's a deadly disease.  I just never thought that I would come so close to those statistics.  It does make me understand why I'm being watched even 3 years later.

Because I actually could have died.  

I don't know what to say beyond that.  I'm obviously glad now that I didn't.  I would have missed so much with my nieces; I never would have known the baby and Anne would never have remembered me.  And while I very much wish my life were different, even in this more painful time, life is worth living.

And I could have died.

3 comments:

Michal McAllister said...

Would you say that Dr. Mind's caring phone call triggered your current feelings? It's wonderful that he's been there all along. You have such a caring team. I hope you don't spend time trying to recall memories of your most difficult times. Don't you think that this "amnesia" is blessed self-protection? I'm sure you need to feel what you're feeling rather than over-thinking things. I'm glad you're here, Jen. Thank you for the light that you shine in the dark places. Stay in the Light. It's always good to hear from you.

Hugs!

Michal McAllister said...

Would you say that Dr. Mind's caring phone call triggered your current feelings? It's wonderful that he's been there all along. You have such a caring team. I hope you don't spend time trying to recall memories of your most difficult times. Don't you think that this "amnesia" is blessed self-protection? I'm sure you need to feel what you're feeling rather than over-thinking things. I'm glad you're here, Jen. Thank you for the light that you shine in the dark places. Stay in the Light. It's always good to hear from you.

Hugs!

Michal McAllister said...

p.s. I didn't send the same message twice! How weird.