Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, January 17, 2015


I am sad tonight.  It's partly just from not feeling well.  I'm tired of feverish aching and being hot and cold and hot and cold.  I'm also very tired.  And I'm sad about my uncle.  There are a lot of crazy feelings with that; it's hard to be sad he is gone because he suffered so much.  So very, very much.  But I am sad for my aunt and cousins and his grandchildren, especially the babies who will never know him.  But none of his grandchildren will ever have known the man he was before his accident.  I am trying to tell my cousins how sorry I am and I don't know what to say.  It's a position I'll never be in, to lose a father.  In some ways I already did.  Someday I may find out he is gone.  I hope that I do.  I have accepted that this may happen via the internet in one of my occasional searches for him.  In fact that is the most likely way, by far.    But I know what my cousins had in a father and so I know what they have lost.  Sort of.  It's strange.  And mostly it just is such a blessing that for 24+ hours he has not been in that awful, painful, suffering body.  But I know my aunt is in a horrible place and again, what do you say?  

I'm afraid of what the government is going to do to social security.  Already the House has stuck a bill into their parlimentary procedures bill that makes it illegal to fund SSDI by shifting funds from other sources.  I hope that this is stopped.  I don't trust it won't be.  And if it passes and becomes a law then SSDI runs out of money in 2016 and the proposed solution is to cut benefits by 20%.  Which means in my case that I couldn't pay for treatment.  It scares me.  I've been contacting congressmen this last week and one called back and then I've been too ill to return the call.  Rand Paul made really ugly comments that pretty much dismiss mental illness as a cause for disability and indicating that he believes 50% of those on SSDI are bilking the system.  This kind of view in people who have way too much to say about my income terrifies me.  And I'm worrying way too much about this.

I asked Dr. Brain this week if I can go up on Seroquel anymore.  She said not really but when I explained that I was concerned that we should lower my dose a bit now to allow room to go up when things blow up with my brother she said that she'd be comfortable adding a small amount more short term.  It's hard to know if I can even tolerate that; what I'm on now is side effect city.  But anything is better than starting a transition to a new drug at that point.  Right now we know that the version of Seroquel I'm on goes generic in 11/2016 so sometime I'm going to have to try to change.  I want it to be when there are several options though because right now my best option is an older drug and I really don't want that.  I've had too much trouble with the cleaner atypicals to feel safe going on something less specific to brain chemistry.  The one that is most likely is better than most others (loxitane) but still not a fun drug.  So I know she'll get me through whatever happens and my doing well lately will help but it is scary.  I've known I was maxed out on everything for a long time so this isn't a surprise, just I've managed a long time without a battle.

I really need to get to sleep but I forgot to take my meds on time and don't feel sleepy.  I may take some vicodin in a while for the achiness and sleep effect.  Otherwise it's valium or not sleeping much and neither of those sounds good right now.  At the moment I'm breaking yet another fever so I have to wait that out.

I'm also hungry and not much tastes good. I had a BLT and that did taste good but now I'm out of bacon.  

So maybe I should have titled this grouchy and not just sad.  Both I think.  I just want to well, I don't know.  Feel good would be a nice step.  I don't know why this bug is making me feel so whiny; I've been much sicker.  I'm just tired of the symptoms which are annoying I think. Also I'm thinking there's a good shot this is becoming a sinus infection and I don't want to be sick next week too.  I have only had 1 sinus infection since I stopped working and it wasn't bad.  When I worked in nursing homes I had them all the time.  So even if i get one I'm kind of due but yuck.

Anyway, this is also the most boring post ever.  I think i need to quit trying to think until I am not sick.

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