Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, January 18, 2015

What I did not need

I went from doing so extremely well a week ago to not so good this week.  Which happens; it's called being bipolar.  And since my lowest points lately are not nearly as low as a few years ago (starting to think menopause was as good for me as my gynecologist thought it might be plus thank God for huge amounts of Seroquel) I'm still ok, I guess.

Yesterday just had rough moments.  I am so sad for my aunt and cousins and can't imagine what they are going through.  And then I get sad because it is sad that I can't imagine that.  They are so close and such a loving family always.  And seeing that come out right now really emphasizes what I remember from being a child:  I wish I were part of their family.  It's just a big contrast.  In a way we've lost our father already but without grieving.  We may or may not even know if he is dead; I guess eventually we assume it.  But that 'loss' if you can even call it that gives me nothing to say to my hurting cousins now.  It's just hard to know what I'm feeling and I don't like myself for some of it because I feel like it should all be about their grief and inside I'm sad for me along with the sadness for them.

That wasn't even close to the worst moment though.  I was on facebook and saw one of my cousins' names listed as a possible friend.  This cousin is well-known for lying and creating his own reality where he can get attention through untrue stories and other less-than-appealing behaviors.  For example, we are both friend with one person on Facebook.  The man was my senior prom date, a close friend in high school and still someone I consider a good friend.  My cousin knows him.  Clear distinction there. So the man is considering buying the same kind of car I have a few months ago and my cousin gets on and writes about how I've had all kinds of trouble with mine and that mine has been a bad car.  Which is completely untrue.  I had trouble with AAA blowing the battery and some of the electrical system a couple years ago which created a bunch of drama until I made them pay for it all but that's about it.  So that leaves me having to tell my friend to ignore my cousin, the car is great.  And then yesterday morning he had tagged me in a joke about mental illness I didn't find funny, which I commented on.  He apparently meant to tag another Jennifer.  But while that's kind of an honest mistake be careful for pete's sake.  I actually have him hidden because he was being too open about the sexual aspects of his relationship a few months ago and I was icked out, especially with a 25 year age difference.

The final straw was this referral though.  I looked at it and there isn't anything identifying.  The account was just opened and so there wasn't much.  I scrolled down to the bottom and found a pornographic picture.  I reported it to facebook who notified me this morning that the picture was removed (it appears the entire account was removed) but that doesn't remove it from my brain and so I was awake all night upset and with PTSD triggered heavily.  I have no idea if this was my cousin's page.  There was an indication of yes but I couldn't tell for sure and don't want to know.  

Tonight I'm going to sleep even if it takes valium.  I'm exhausted.  Being sick and then not sleeping wasn't ideal.  I am still so disturbed.  Very, very disturbed.

PTSD is never a friend.

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