Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Better and worse


 I wrote most of this the other night and then my computer wouldn't let me finish. So I'm going to leave it as is but edit in some changes.

My Noah cat is home and doing very well.  He's eating, managed to poop (the last thing I really had to watch for) and is getting a lot of rest.  He's playful, eating well, and spending lots of time wanting to be cuddled.  I think he knows how sick he was.  But he clearly feels better and so hopefully this is over.  We go in 2 weeks for more labs. (Edit:  On Sunday he threw up several times and I noticed his gums are jaundiced.  So we're going to the vet tomorrow.  She said he may be anemic from being sick.  He won't let me look today but when he meows it doesn't appear that the jaundice is still there.  But it will take 4 people to hold him down to look to know for sure.  I'm going to talk to her about my trip; I think I should stay home because if anything happened while I was away I would feel awful.  Boarding is SOOOOO stressful for him, more than the average cat which is pretty bad and I don't want to maximize his chances for getting sick.  There are other reasons which I'll discuss below).

I am struggling.  I know anniversaries are essentially meaningless.  However they are still hard.  Tomorrow will be a year since my final large ankle injury which means a year that I've been restricted in movements.  The snow and ice are finally gone so I'm walking without a brace and it's hard. My ankle swells up pretty big and hurts and I'm limping again.  I may have to go back to PT.  But since we're going on vacation (I'm planning on it but won't be sure until I know Noah's test results and if the vet thinks he can handle the stress) in 2 weeks I'm not dealing with PT now. It's hard because I thought I was done with this kind of thing and finding out I still have to go through the same process is frustrating.  I'm feeling extreme anxiety and am being extremely hard on myself.  I know I'm doing it but I still can't stop it. I am being absolutely mean to myself over the smallest mistakes and it's not good.  I'm feeling like I'm causing all these problems that are not my fault and then it snowballs into this anxiety that is beyond severe.  Plus I've not been sleeping normally at all; I missed most of 2 nights worrying and then last night slept 12 hours and still was exhausted but can't get to sleep tonight.  So it's just that everything is out of sync.  This doesn't seem an ideal time to go on a trip with family who haven't been around me since before I got sick.  I want to go to the beach.  I want the time with my nieces.  I do not want not to be politely social right now and I don't want to throw my sleep issues into a social situation.  Honestly I fear I'd go there and not see the ocean much because I'd sleep through half the day.  But it's hard to say no to a memorial trip.  So the cat is hopefully going to be a good excuse.  I have other reasons including my vet bill is pretty big and I hate to spend a lot of money on a trip with that hanging over me and I have to buy a new dawn/dusk simulator and those things are expensive.  I've had 3 break in the last 6 months.  One was very old and worn out and that was fair.  The 2nd absolutely shouldn't have broken and was a piece of crap.  The 3rd was a re-furb and I guess it wasn't re-furbished well.  And I sleep so much better with a dusk simulator.  But they cost a lot so I'd feel better buying it with my gift cards combined with saved money.  I want to go on the trip and something deep inside says "bad idea".  But I don't know if I should trust this negativity because I am feeling so down.  But I think probably it is right and this isn't the time to get acquainted with family again.  It will mess up my sister's plans badly and I hate that.  But that's the guilt thing again and she'll deal or I'll find a way to help her deal or something.

Along with all that it's that this is the last little bit of time before my brother's arrest last year changed everything.  I remember  saying over and over that I just wanted to go back to April 3, the day before I knew.  I still feel that way.  And I won't even go into what it is like to wait for a year to even be charged for real.  I know that doesn't make a ton of sense but it will once this is private and I can be more specific.  As it is we just keep waiting.  And if nothing else if I don't go away and he is arrested I can pick up his pets.  His cats have to go to the vet before they can come home; they have to have shots, feline leukemia test and be thoroughly de-flea'd since the boy who is already so sick is very allergic to fleas.  I have to find out if I can do his monthly flea med tomorrow when it is due in fact.  I really hope so, he is just getting his hair back from the last episode.  He is so allergic that one bite is all it takes to make him pull out half his hair and he is miserable.

Otherwise I think Dr Mind and I are ok again.  I think the test comes when I'm less of a mess than the last few weeks but I think we're on the same page again.  I think his health issues have made him just be ready to retire and he is stuck for a few more years while he has a kid in college.  I hate that thought but I think he is ready for life to be easier. I don't know if that's what will happen since he'd be retiring before social security eligibility but I think he'll want to be done as soon as he can find a way to do that.   It's just hard for me to know that half the time he feels as bad as I do.  I hope that they figure out what is going on for him but until they do he just doesn't feel good and it is hard to do that kind of work not feeling well. 

Anyway, I think I'm getting sort of sleepy.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll both know more about what my cat is going through and the prognosis and about my trip.  I know that I'm going to not be happy about deciding either way so I hope the vet makes the decision easy.


1 comment:

Jean Grey said...

With my depression I don't know when to trust my judgement either about whether to "go for it" or to back out of something- I don't know if I am being realistic or giving in to the depression. As a result I have sometimes taken on some tasks that clearly I should not have- because I discounted my fears as the depression talking- but have missed out on other things when maybe I should have pushed myself. I hope you figure it out with your trip. And sometimes, I think, you really can't know ahead of time what the best thing is to do. You can only guess.