One step

Today I spoke to a recruiter, heard from another recruiter, contacted another, and have a list of a few more. I also applied for unemployment. I also got all kinds of annoying news, like I was not given a true answer when I asked if they would accept a resignation rather than firing me. I was told that this was an HR call. Well, HR acted like it was the dumbest thing they'd ever heard and it was the supervisor's call. So, they'll just have to pay unemployment. They said they wouldn't contest it. Well, they better not. It is a bit hard to fight it when they will not tell you a reason for letting you go. "It's not working out" not being a reason, at least in my book.

I saw Dr. Mind today. He was speechless. Which about goes with how I feel. I also feel depressed. Big surprise there. I'm not eating. I just am not the least bit hungry. All I've had to eat today is a brownie, most of a cucumber, a tiny bit of soup, and a roll. This is not good. I'm going to make myself eat some cereal in a few minutes with my meds.

For the most part I feel like crying and crying, but I'm scared to even start. I'm scared of letting this depression take off. I know I don't really control it, but I am afraid of what will happen. I'm not pushing tremendously hard on the jobs this week. I need a little time to recover.

This just makes no sense. I don't want to go into the backstory here, but it was one of those situations where the only thing that was going on was not something where I was wrong. I think it was easier to shut me up than it was to deal with the real issue. I could never prove this, but I think it is true.

Anyway, not liking life much right now.

I don't know what to say

I just don't know what to say. The other time I was fired at least I knew why. I felt strongly that the reasons were wrong and that it was because of my illness. This time I simply don't know. I thought I've been doing just fine. Apparently not. There were some issues, ethical ones, that I've been trying to deal with, and maybe they didn't like that. But I know on that point that I was correct in what I was doing. It might be that this is for the best, as if something hadn't happened to change the ethical problems I probably would have decided to leave. This spares me making that decision. But I just don't understand. I cannot believe they refused to give a reason.

I'm in total shock right now. I feel like I've had it with therapy. But I'm not qualified to do anything else. And there are certain big downfalls to trying to change to something else. Including that I have no idea what else I would do better at.

So instead I'm just hating life.

Drama

So, I no longer have a job. I don't want to talk about it. They wouldn't tell me why I don't have a job, just that I don't. So, there it is. Doing the best I've done in years, I still apparently suck.

Therapy Superstitions

I have been in counseling for much of the last 15 years. Most of that time I've gone weekly. A total of about a year was bi-weekly. And several months long ago was 4 times/week for long sessions (extenuating circumstances). There was a period from 1998-2002 that it was off and on and more off than on. Since 2002 I have been going to the same counseling practice. I have seen each of 2 therapists for 3 1/2 years of that time.

Counseling is expensive. On a reduced rate fee I pay $260/month, plus gas to drive 100 miles. The entire result of mental illness is crushingly expensive. With new insurance I'm going to have to pay for two psychiatric visits/year, totaling $500 out of pocket plus co-pays. And I'm facing a fight to get 2 of my meds paid for. The thing that is good is that my new insurance has a low deductible, low co-pay for dr visits, and labs are covered at 100%. So hopefully the savings on those things will balance the other.

Over the last while we have discussed many times reducing my frequency to bi-monthly, or even 3 times per month with the week I go to the psychiatrist off. Today that came up again.

The problem is that every time we've tried to reduce something has happened. Last year it was getting fired. In January or February we tried again; immediately something happened that made it not work.

This summer we've had a period of alternating weeks due to scheduling. I've been fine. So of course today cutting back came up again. This time I don't even want to. I'll think about it, but I'm so tired of failing at that. I honestly think I'd rather be overly dependent on counseling for a while. I don't want to disrupt what is working.

I feel weird about giving in on this, but I also feel that for now that's right. I still have time before we can be totally sure giving up Depakote works. And after that it will be just about time for SAD season, then holidays, and so I really am not comfortable messing with the status quo until about March.

So, I'm the dependent patient.......

Feedback

OK, time for some participation. You can email me privately (masterofironyatattdotnet) or comment. I'm just thinking here and even if everyone gives me the same feedback I'm going to make my own decision.

This blog has changed. A lot. It started with a very, very sick author. For years the blog was about the nightmare of med resistance, allergies, and raging mental illness. Over the last nearly 2 years I very slowly got better. Now I'm actually living a LIFE and am oh, yeah bipolar. Nobody really thought that would happen. Sure, they told me things could be better. But this life I have now isn't how anyone thought things would go. I spent YEARS waiting to get stable enough to tolerate surgery for a VNS (vagal nerve stimulator; a last ditch treatment with a not great success rate but well worth it if nothing else works). Now I'm too well to qualify. Not that long ago my doctor was looking into ECT at my request because there didn't seem to be other options.

Something I feel weird about is that the readership here has changed. Back when I was so sick and there was lots of drama I had people who read regularly and were ongoing readers for years. Some started reading soon after I started writing in Jan. 2006. Over the last few months as I've been doing so well those readers aren't around anymore. I will admit freely to having very hurt feelings because I feel like now that my life isn't a tragedy people don't want to come here.

At the same time my traffic has been the same or even higher lately. However it seems most people are coming in on searches and then leaving, never to return. I just seem to be a hit more for certain things.

So, what I need from you are answers. Let me know if my interpretation is wrong. Do you come to visit in and out or did you just land here and won't be back? If you are bipolar/mentally ill do you find value here?

I'm not begging for praise. I'm pretty sure nobody is going to just say "close down." I understand reticence there. But please let me know if I'm writing for anyone who wants to hear what *I* am saying, or if this is just more words among the frightening number that make up the internet.

Happiness Is...

One of 2 things...

-Being able to carry all your bedtime meds at once

-Having exactly the right number of stool softener pills left in the bottle you brought to a conference without counting (less would cause pain; more would be ruined by melting in the car tomorrow)

Sad day

When you work in my field, obviously you get pretty used to people dying. If there is a way to get "used to" that. You learn to cope, and you learn that if you let yourself get extremely attached you will hurt. I got hit very hard with a reminder of that 5 years ago when I got very close to a patient and he had a sudden heart attack at dinner and died. I very nearly walked in on them prepping the body, and I was not able to make myself go say good-bye. I figure that (given his situation) I'm probably just about the only person who remembers him, and I make sure that every April 28 is Norman day in my heart.

Every so often though a death just stuns us all. That happened today. This man has been worrying us a bit because he has been very down since a friend at the nursing home died. Today at lunch he was his usual congenial self, making a fuss about my driving too far and telling someone else she always ignored him. 45 minutes later they were doing CPR. 15 minutes later he had not responded to CPR or having his heart shocked, the fire department was there doing everything they could, and nothing had happened. We pretty much knew then, but he was taken to the hospital and pronounced there.

CPR doesn't happen very often. In fact in thinking back I only have been aware of 3 times it has been done in my presence (in the building), excluding "only" Heimlich maneuvers. A couple years ago someone choked to death at dinner and CPR was started and her family asked that it continue until they could say good-bye. That was terrible because some of the resuscitation happened right in front of the other patients while they ate and then the coroner was in and the police and it was rather traumatic for the patients who didn't know what exactly was happening and we can't just tell them anything. I spent the evening helping calm people down. The other time was another choking incident and that patient actually survived, although she had brain damage from the lack of oxygen.

Honestly I'm glad that once CPR started that he didn't survive. CPR saves lives, but it also carries a risk of brain damage once it goes on very long. It is often ugly.

But I'm very sad about this man's death. He was special. For the first 2 months he was with us he called my "company name 2" because the PT assistant was "company name" and our company name is on the top of our name tags so he felt it was pointless to read further. It was hilarious.

I just hope he is in heaven now, enjoying a plate of broccoli and ketchup, something he actually did enjoy quite a bit. (EVERYTHING with ketchup).

Updated Info

Just in case anyone wants to contact me, my email has changed slightly. See sidebar for details.

I got rid of the cable company!:)

Surprise!

As you may know I've been working hard at losing weight since my January bloodwork showed that I had a high glucose level and if it didn't come down quickly I'd need diabetic testing. I'm at risk both because of family history and because I'm on an atypical antipsychotic. This risk was then increased because of being quite overweight thanks to meds.

I started a diabetic-based diet (low glycemic index) in January. That was also when my Depakote taper started. I lost 25 lbs in the next three months. By March I was at a Depakote level my doctor wanted to try for a few months since coming off too fast wouldn't help anything. Then I had some mild depression in the spring and quit following the diet so closely. However I have continued to slowly lose weight, presumably because I'm eating better than I was even when I'm not at my best.

In the last week and a half I've cut my Depakote in half. I also didn't eat much for several days, but that is over with. Since the dose had gone down I thought this morning I'd weigh myself, just to see what happened.

I'm now at 33.5 lbs less than I was in January. And this is probably not a totally accurate weight since I've got some water weight at the moment.

I'm so excited!

12

Tonight I will decrease my Depakote dose yet again. In January I took 6 pills per night. Tonight I was be taking 1 1/2. In 4 more days I'll take 1, 4 days after that 1/2, and in 12 days I will be done. That is assuming nothing happens to make me taper more slowly, but thus far the only thing that has happened is that I'm having some hand tremors. That's liveable.

It's odd to come off meds feeling so good. Because of my allergies and insensitivities I've had to come off many things cold turkey. That has tended to be unpleasant. I also take an older antidepressant (actually in terms of antidepressants I take a REALLY old one) and if I miss 2 doses I start feeling pretty odd. So I'm trained to expect side effects when changing things.

This is good. It is so good.