I am usually Dr. Brain's last patient and she usually spends a lot of time with me. This is the way she has arranged it for years. When I saw her after the hospital she had them made a big point of emphasizing "ONLY 45 MINUTES". Tonight I got an email telling me there is someone after me so only my hour. This is hurting my feelings. Isn't she is charge of what happens? And if she is moving my appointment to 12 to control this it's really bad for me because I can barely get up, much less drive safely in the mornings right now. Really though if she feels I'm taking advantage of her time or something now is so not the time to do this, especially not in this way as I can't handle it. I feel guilty and like I've been doing something wrong for the last 8 years and well, like I said, she controls the clock. I don't even see the thing. Plus I think I am nearly always done out in about 75 minutes which is a long time but now I feel like I've been bad or something and I don't have time talk about it with her because we have to cover depression city here, back to work, these awful meds, and getting back to a life.
Is session time (which I often can't see the clock without turning awkwardly) my responsibility or hers? In my professional world it is my job to get out of there in a reasonable time frame. So why not hers?
And now I feel panic-attacky because I so did not need to feel this way. Probalby not her intention but I'm really not good and am easily made to believe bad things. And I'm crying. Again. Fabulous.
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2 comments:
Back in from school; 5 out of 6 mid-terms accomplished. Yesterday I was in tears but today's another day. I think a teacher was picking on me a bit today but I'm determined to take her critique and become better because of it even if she's slightly out of line. I deserved better than a B...but I'll take it and try to learn and not obsess about her behavior.
I know that you have some very sad things going on and you really do "need" to cry but I pray you'll get relief from these hurtful panicky feelings. You KNOW it's Dr. Brain's responsibility to govern the clock. I'm sure something else is going on in her world and there's no "retroactive" payback or something that should make you regret the past. She cares for you very much and very well based on what I've seen along the way. I'm sure she's trying to get your expectations in line with her limits at this time. She may have various reasons for drawing her boundaries a bit tighter right now...family, health, etc. It's o.k. although disappointing. I know both of you will focus on what needs to be done. I'm confident that she will make the appointment beneficial.
Try to find a way to get POSITIVE thoughts on "repeat" in your brain. I'm a fine one to talk, I know. I'm also prone to giving too much room in my head and my heart to negative things. Someone is out to steal our joy and I have to be really alert so that I don't join in the self-bashing. Try to encourage my friend Jen in the same way that you've been encouraging me. You have much wisdom and experience to share.
Ephesians 6: 10-11
...be strong in the Lord, be empowered through your union with Him: draw your strength from Him, that strength which His boundless might provides. Put on God's whole armor, the armor of a heavily-armed soldier which God supplies, that you may be able successfully to stand up against all the strategies and the deceits of the devil.
Reaching with you for the Truth...the Way, the Truth and the Life!
xo Michal
Jen,
I think a) Dr Brain has a good reason for doing this and b) the reason probably has nothing to do with you.
Gosh, who knows what could be going on in her personal life - maybe she needs to cut down on work time and spend more at home time. Or perhaps there is a very, very difficult patient who is in bad, bad shape. Maybe it's not her, but a situation with a relative or even a colleague.
Obviously, a person could speculate all night long about this. The only way to know for sure is to ask her. In my opinion, you have a right to ask as this is a change in "treatment", right? And when there is a change, she should communicate that to you because it affects you! So, just ask dear Jen. I think you will discover that it is nothing "bad" and likely not even about you! Many years ago I worked at a doctor's appointment desk, and I know for sure that not ALL things are cleared through the doctor. I also remember some very pesky and controlling nurses. So, who knows?
You've done nothing wrong for the past years. You've done nothing wrong now!
The session time and her schedule is her responsibility.
Please try to not speculate and wait for her answer, ok? Trust that she is not trying to hurt you. She has cared for you so well, and has proven herself a lot - it isn't going to change.
C-a-l-m d-o-w-n (I know, I know MUCH easier said than done) but concentrate on the fact that God has full and total control and put your trust in Him. {I wish I could quote Scripture as well as Michal} Deep cleansing breaths. Occupy your mind and listen to a book tape... boy, those book tapes have saved me through the years! Maybe worth a try when your brain is on negative overdrive.
B.
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