I got my all-clear to go back to work today. So Wednesday morning I will put on something besides shorts, grab a cooler full of water bottles, and brave my new world. I'm terrified. It helps that the psychologist admitted that even now may be a little early to go back so at least that feeling is validated. I think I'm ready, but I am also terrified. It's so odd that I'm going to do the exact job I've had for two years, and have been doing somewhere for nearly 6 years, and yet I know that it has to be different enough to make all my experience feel irrelevant.
This kind of thing has always made me feel like I have achieved some landmark and conquered a part of my illness. This time I feel much more cautious and afraid. I found out what the severe parts of my illness can do, and the experience has left me much less trusting of my ability to control the illness myself, or to fight off as much as I used to think I could.
On the other hand, I get to go to work! I get to see friends, meet both of my new assistants, and best of all see my patients! I cannot wait. In a few weeks I'll be back to actually helping people, and there is little that feels so good.
Now I just have to survive tomorrow and the waiting.
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1 comment:
Good luck!
Having anxiety myself, I can relate to starting something new (or new again) and the apprehension and excitedness that comes with it.
It sounds like you're in a much better place than you were even a few weeks ago.
Hope it goes smooth!
-Stella
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