Normal

In response to my last post, Sarah asked, "but what is normal?"

Good question. I know there are 2 sides to the coin, and that it is true that life is so diverse that normal isn't a real thing. For so long I've proclaimed that I live a normal life, just done differently. But in reality, this is not so true.

I've spent a lot of time in the last few months accepting that I have to live with some things that prevent me from having things I want. And while that in itself is normal, what I'm giving up is not. I want to work without modifications. I want to work without anyone knowing I'm sick. I want privacy about my illness and instead I have to fight about it. I want to continue in the career path I've chosen and love and instead I'm taking a less challenging job because my body can't handle what it used to. I want to have actual money to spend instead of all of it going to meds and counseling. At this point it seems I have spent about 33% of my income this year, or more, on bipolar. That is not normal, especially since at the same time I cannot buy simple things I really need. I need two home repairs totaling $1500 and there is no way I'll have that until tax refund time when I get all my medical expenses back.

But my definition of normal? So simple. Normal would be having the energy to have the clean house I desperately want. Normal would be not fighting to find time to see a therapist once or twice a week. I hear people schedule for 3 weeks away and I'm in awe. My therapist has been at the place I go for a year. I've only seen him half that time, yet I'm fairly sure I've logged more hours in his office than anyone else he sees. Normal is being able to work without constantly fighting to get the brain to do what it is trained and experienced at doing, yet no longer does so well. Normal is sleeping without sedation and for a realistic amount of time. Normal is getting to do social things occasionally. Normal is having friends. Normal is going to church when I want to. Normal is not rushing out of public areas because of noise.

Here's the difference between normal and me: Two other people quit their jobs this week where I work. Both of them were later able to be talked into considering staying longer to see if some issues can be resolved. In my case I had no choice; I have to get out of there. I'm excited about my new job, yet I also know that it's not going to be using my greatest talents. And because of how sick I've been, I have no choice but to accept that this is what I NEED to do right now, and to force myself to have a good attitude. In my field, where the shortage of trained people is enormous, it is possible to always get a job doing pretty much what you want. Taking a job because it's better for my health, that is not such a normal reason for a transition within my professional sphere.

To me, normal is all that is lost, and much of that is very raw right now because until 3 months ago I wouldn't admit I had lost anything. Yet since that time I've had to face so much loss because my condition isn't what it was. So all I really know that normal is what I define as things I reasonably could expect at this time in my life and that I cannot expect to ever have.

So, I don't know fully what normal IS, but I do know what normal is not.