Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, December 14, 2006


One of the lessons of this last year has been that courage has many meanings.

This week has been harder. It's been more difficult to survive the last 4 days than the last 4 weeks. I'm extremely tired, unbelievably busy, and not sleeping well at all. I went to see the psychologist for an extra time today because I am too afraid to let anything slip.

Calling to get that appointment was really, really hard. It's been a big thing how long I've gone without extra time, and now that must re-start. But that wasn't the hardest thing I did this week.

Something I rarely speak of on this blog is the effect of my illness on my faith. I don't speak of it because it can be hard for outsiders to understand and I have been very, very badly hurt by people thinking they were correcting me. I am well aware I am not strong enough to be open to debate. However, the effects are profound. I can't go to church because it is too stimulating, requires too much attention, and I can't read the Bible. It is too far beyond my cognitive skills. I can't understand it, focus on it, etc. I can use OT skills to break down many reasons why, but that doesn't matter. Regardless, something I want and believe in and NEED in my life isn't there and I have suffered because of this.

For some time now we have discussed the possibility of my switching to a children's Bible. Coming to terms with this need has been harder than I thought, and I never thought it would be easy. Even hearing the suggestion hurt. Then as I started shopping for one I learned that I had to go to an even lower reading level than I thought to get something I knew would work. It took a while, but this week I bought it. It was my Christmas present to myself.

Tonight I started reading. It took some doing. I removed the dustcover so it looks less childlike, but the title still makes the target audience clear. But it's at my level, and I was glad.

I just am amazed at how much harder it can be to conquer pride than adversity.

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