Courage

One of the lessons of this last year has been that courage has many meanings.

This week has been harder. It's been more difficult to survive the last 4 days than the last 4 weeks. I'm extremely tired, unbelievably busy, and not sleeping well at all. I went to see the psychologist for an extra time today because I am too afraid to let anything slip.

Calling to get that appointment was really, really hard. It's been a big thing how long I've gone without extra time, and now that must re-start. But that wasn't the hardest thing I did this week.

Something I rarely speak of on this blog is the effect of my illness on my faith. I don't speak of it because it can be hard for outsiders to understand and I have been very, very badly hurt by people thinking they were correcting me. I am well aware I am not strong enough to be open to debate. However, the effects are profound. I can't go to church because it is too stimulating, requires too much attention, and I can't read the Bible. It is too far beyond my cognitive skills. I can't understand it, focus on it, etc. I can use OT skills to break down many reasons why, but that doesn't matter. Regardless, something I want and believe in and NEED in my life isn't there and I have suffered because of this.

For some time now we have discussed the possibility of my switching to a children's Bible. Coming to terms with this need has been harder than I thought, and I never thought it would be easy. Even hearing the suggestion hurt. Then as I started shopping for one I learned that I had to go to an even lower reading level than I thought to get something I knew would work. It took a while, but this week I bought it. It was my Christmas present to myself.

Tonight I started reading. It took some doing. I removed the dustcover so it looks less childlike, but the title still makes the target audience clear. But it's at my level, and I was glad.

I just am amazed at how much harder it can be to conquer pride than adversity.