Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, December 30, 2006

It's all relative

This last week I've been pretty quiet. I'm struggling and tired and just don't want to talk about it much. It's so very, very hard to consider even mild depression. Which this is. I just don't want it to be possible. Years ago when my diagnosis was "recurrent major depression" my psychiatrist wanted me to remain on antidepressants longterm without any trial off them after 6 months of remission, as is usually suggested after an initial severe depression with medication treatment. This was because of the severity of the depression, some of my risk factors, and because I had been through several other fairly severe depressions without treatment because I refused it. I insisted on trying it because I might fall into the small percentage who did fine forevermore. With bipolar I know perfectly well that each episode and each good period are not going to be the magical time that the bipolar goes away forever, but a tiny hope always remains.

However, after having had the year I have had it is very hard not to be sensitive to any sign, even if it could be normal. For example, I have been working long hours and work has been emotionally hard. Therefore it is normal to be tired. In addition, my new med can cause tiredness at first, although I've been on it 3 weeks now at a low dose and probably am out of the side effect zone. I am EXHAUSTED. So is this normal, or is this depression? My work hasn't been very good, but I'm tired. Normal or depression? I'm cranky. Normal or depression? Nobody can tell me how I feel, and I'm not even all that used to worrying about things at this level. If I hadn't been feeling so great lately this might be considered good. It's all relative. And that is confusing.

So anyway, after sleeping many, many hours last night and still feeling pretty low and tired I've now determined that I am depressed and that it's enough to warrant asking for some medical treatment.

Posting may continue to be sparse. Or not. Who knows. Hopefully though in a few days I'll get the meds changed. Again.

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