Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, April 05, 2009

No title comes to mind

So I'm finding myself a little low on things to say. I'm feeling very cranky and tired. Apparently recovery from what I had takes a lot longer than I would choose. And Dr. Mind closed our rather painful session with the conclusion we've reached a really hard point and I am now going to have to deal with even more abuse damage. Which I knew but didn't care to know, if you know what I mean. I am facing time having to deal with things from my past that I've not even come close to talking about in 11 years or more. And now I'm into stuff that is even harder. It is easier in some ways for me to talk about the sexual abuse I experienced, because I can clinicalize (my new word) this more easily. The abuse in my family I am more ashamed of. And that is where I now have landed.

And then I'm obsessing about what finally makes sense. About 2 months ago I watched Juno. I really liked it, but thought this had a great deal to do with being proud I had watched a grown-up movie for the first time in years. But I kept feeling this compulsion to watch it again and again. I knew I was missing something that was really important to me. This conclusion was easy to reach since every time at the same part I would start sobbing, sometimes hard enough to have watching. And not watching wasn't helping this to go away either; I kept thinking about it. Finally I watched the movie until I got it. I even watched the gag reels, screen tests, etc. There is not one second of that DVD I haven't seen, most several times. I know the music, the words of whole scenes, etc. I've never done this with a movie before.

The problem comes from one simple line, the last line of the movie before some music, I believe. (Why I don't obsess about a line I can actually find without 400 viewings is another story). The line is (paraphrased) that you aren't supposed to have a baby then fall in love, but the 2 teenage parents/main characters are just different.

My sobbing has been my anger at this simple statement. Lots of people have the less common scenario. I just feel angry sometimes because I have done what I believe is right within my belief system and I'll never have a child and I very well may never even have a relationship. I don't know what is wrong with me there, but I need to get past it. Sometimes it seems like as I adjust to wellness that there are things I have known for many years that have to sink in all over again.

Finally, I like what Therapy Doc has to say here. I can't the link to fully work, so scroll down for the post called "Nobody Said It Was Easy ". I think what she's talking about it pretty much what I'm doing right now with therapy, and if you watch the video and listen to the words together (I didn't at first and didn't get it) that's kind of what I have to do: go back through things from long ago and try to re-construct them with a better outcome.

So, if I'm quiet blame it on the stress. Or on my not caring to spread my grouchiness with you. It's because I care.

1 comment:

Emilija said...

I've made the same decision, no kids. Although I'm starting to have regrets. If I had gotten myself together 10 in my 20's instead of my late 30's maybe I could have decided differently. If I found the right husband- another big if. But for now I'm going to focus on being an aunt. And there are a lot of men out there who don't want kids, or at least more kids- as I get older, more and more of them are divorced and have already had their families.