Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, September 05, 2013

New experience

I saw Dr. Mind today.  It didn't go quite the way I hoped.  Instead of just listening and being sympathetic which I desperately needed he decided that it was a good day to come down hard on me.  It didn't go well.

I left his office crying, which happens, and sat in my car crying and trying to calm down.  After a long time crying I realized that because I just cleaned my car I did not have anything to blow my nose on except a dust cloth with armor all in it.  And I used it until it was soaked.  After about 40 minutes I went back in and asked if he had another appointment.  He did and I took it because by then I was pretty sure I wasn't going to ever be able to leave without talking more.

Unfortunately I think he really wanted to leave early today.  But he stayed and talked to me anyway and said he thought I might be angry at what he said, not that it would cause a panic attack (I think that's what happened.  It lacked some parts of my usual panic attack but I think it was one anyway).  I'm not completely sure why he thought that; I did snap at him a couple weeks ago when I didn't like what he said.  But this time he inadvertently said very directly a nicer version of what I had been thinking and was very upset about because I didn't know how to handle it and I just lost it.

I stayed until I wasn't sobbing (unfortunately I kept him 45 minutes when I'm pretty sure he was hoping to leave considerably sooner) and then got my oil changed because it really needed to be done.  Unfortunately being so upset caused a migraine so I came home in pain and had a vicodin, supper and bed.  The migraine is less painful and doesn't seem to be light sensitive now as long as I avoid blinking but I'm completely worn out from crying like that for most of 3 hours and am not sure what to say to him in a few days.  I even understand his desire to confront me on this, like I said I've been beating myself up over the same thing for a week, but he picked the wrong day.  Which makes me feel less guilty about making him stay at work.  Only a little but he knows me well enough to know that was going to upset me and that I was reaching the end of my rope before he jerked on it. 

I am so, so tired.  Not sleepy, that would be easy, but exhausted from sitting in that car crying so hard.  I want to say something Monday about maybe not choosing this kind of day to be confrontational but I don't think it would help. He thinks he had a reason.  He's been a lot more confrontational lately and sometimes it doesn't make a lot of sense because he's confronting me about things I've asked repeatedly if I was doing during the rest of this time and he's said it was normal to be upset, etc. and suddenly now he doesn't like it.  I almost wonder if this is his way of separating from me before potentially leaving in the spring but we've had times like this before, just mostly 8 years ago.

I don't get it.  But I'm not sure I've got enough brain power to understand much.  I am just tired.

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