Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, September 07, 2013


First, random point that I"m sorry about posts that don't format.  If I post from my email it formats.  If I post from blogger it comes out in one monster paragraph.  I haven't figured it out yet.

My niece will have surgery Thursday.  She will be just over 3 weeks old.  It's major surgery and I am having trouble getting used to the idea that she is going to experience pain. The children's hospital is really good and I know they'll control it, but still....3 weeks old.  Maybe 9 lbs.  It hurts my soul somehow.  I don't know more details; my sister hasn't gotten a lot of things clarified that she needs to.  She's under the impression that they'll be in a family recovery room post-op. They know they'll be in the hospital a minimum of 3 days, more if she isn't meeting requirements.  She will be on IV feedings and possibly a vent for a day or 2 after surgery.  I suspect she'll be in intensive care (certainly with a vent, probably otherwise) at least initially because she is so little to have major surgery.  This surgery can be kind of bloody so that's a factor too.  Then she'll be in a regular room.  My sister is hoping they can keep Anne with them but I think that sounds like a disaster.  She is not going to happily stay in a hospital and honestly seeing Geraldine while she is drugged, in pain and unable to be normally held or snuggled (and shouldn't be jostled accidentally) is a bad, bad idea.  But it's not mine to make.  I"m hoping it is made for them, like no 3 year olds except during set visiting hours.

I finalized the sale of my home today.  Thus far I'm kind of numb. probably because I cried so much yesterday.  Perhaps that was Dr. Mind's point in his errant really upsetting me.  I am trying to write something to give him about what what he said to me.  I am more angry at him than I have been in a long time.  But anger did get me through the day I guess to prove that he is wrong and I can handle things without feeling sorry for myself.  Don't get me wrong.  I have been, and for quite some time.  However, I have repeatedly brought this up and repeatedly been reassured that it was part of the grieving process.  A few weeks ago I was told that i was going to have to face grieving yet again as the house went.  And either in his view the weeks that I owned a house that I was at risk of not selling after making it to the point that sale seemed certain I should have been done with feeling bad those weeks ago or the rules changed.  I don't know.  I am just so angry.  I went in there needing someone besides my family to talk about how incredibly scary it is that a 3 week old has to have a huge surgery and has a relatively low risk of even more serious issues (yet this is someone I love and that low risk is too high for me.  I've faced that risk before and it has bit me in the butt).  I'm feeling sorry for HER not me.  I am SCARED for me.  And I'd like to see him face the same situation and not be scared.  Then, to top it off he made a comment that I think was misworded but it made me so mad that I couldn't really handle it at the time, something to do with faith that sounded very judgmental in an area he knows perfectly well that you don't act judgmental with me because of past hurts.  I don't know.  I just know I am so angry at him and that this is one of the first times I've been angry enough to go back and say I am angry with you and I don't understand why you did this.  Part of the issue is that Dr. Mind has been confrontational a lot now and I feel like I'm never doing anything right.  Then he gives examples that are supposed to show I can do it but they tend to be from my past life when I was working and that doesn't help.  This is the life I have now and it feels like he feels I"m doing it all wrong.  If I didn't have such a good and long relationship with him I'd be thinking about walking but I know that if I can make myself talk about this we can fix it.  I just hate waiting 3 days and then there are the very, very long 3 days prior to Geraldine's  surgery.

Regardless, I'm officially kind of homeless for a while now.  I"m trying to keep my address separate from my mom's because of qualifying for financial assistance programs.  I will probably be in my new house in 6-8 weeks.  The foundation is complete and they will start framing this week.  We went and semi-finalized the design today.  I'm happy with it although to have stairs in the place we chose I have to give up having an entrance to the bathroom that isn't in my bedroom.  With diabetes insipidus this is a handy but I will feel weird with any visitors traipsing through my bedroom to pee.  Oh well.  I have a linen closet AND a coat closet, neither of which I had my house.

  And I know I"m NOT homeless really but it is a big transition to go from renting to owning a house and a bigger transition to go from owning to "renting".  (I'm not officially renting because well it's just not going to work that way.  But regardless, I know who owns my house now and it's not me.)  I was glad to hear the new owner is excited to move in and that he likes my little house.  I just miss the idea.  And now I'm crying and my eyes are so sore from yesterday's hours of crying plus wiping them with chemicals so enough about that.

Otherwise mostly I"m just annoyed with Dr. Mind and glad I'm seeing Dr. Brain tomorrow.  Hopefully she can stop the panic attacks and hopefully she won't think it's a good day to jump down my throat.

I am so tired.  I hope that Dr. Brain can fix that too.  I"ve been taking more klonopin than I"m supposed to or ever really have (because I used to have other meds for anxiety and haven't needed them in a very long time) and she knows that but I need a better solution.  I don't want klonopin to stop working for me.  Ativan did several years ago and now the only dose that helps is a large one that makes me sleep.  I can't take Xanax and nobody wants me to so I need to keep my klonopin use down.  It's hard when I'm on so much antipsychotic plus Neurontin and other sedatives and I'm still way too anxious.  Shows I need a new med, but it's frustrating.  A few years ago during one of these spells I was allowed a small dose of valium and rare use of it really was helpful but now I am not allowed to have it because of the suicidal stuff.  I would love to get a new script for that because a teeny amount helps so much and it can be used rarely but that is not likely.

Anyway, I've probably been feeling pretty sorry for myself writing this too and we can't have that.  (See, angry).  I'm just writing to try to think my way through some of this so please forgive any negative ways it sounds.  Not intended, just overwhelmed and not sure what I need to say to Dr. Mind that isn't going to make it worse.

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