Awake

Dr Mind was concerned enough to contact Dr. Brain.  He said that was the worst I've been in about 2 years.  I can't tell because I remember last spring as being horrible but it was the reaction to things with my brother, not an episode but it makes it hard to remember when I felt bad and it wasn't for a reason.  Regardless, it's not good.

I just can't get enough rest.  Valium makes me groggy and I get some rest but the sleep is very broken and not sound.  And I don't take it until I am getting sleepy (if I took more it would have me out until evening and then I wouldn't sleep the next night so I'm choosing the lower dose that is harder to fall asleep with but which lets me function in about 12 hours).  So mostly it just makes me feel lousy.  I kept my patch off a couple of days which was good for decreasing the agitation but I have enough depression that I can't do that long or decrease the dose much. I'm hoping for some guidance from Dr. Brain on that one.  It can be cut in half but I'm not sure that's enough medication.  But it is stimulating and that's not so good right now.

Today we cleaned my house heavily for several hours and I went on a walk with my  mom and the dog.  I should be exhausted.  But it's 2:35 and I'm still wide awake and so agitated I'm shaky. 

I am going Friday to my sister's to help her with the kids so she can load their car to be ready to go for vacation and then to watch the girls on Saturday morning while she goes to work and their Daddy gets home from a conference.  I dread this because I have a feeling I'm going to be watching 2 little girls who need to be very active in the morning before a long car trip while I've had about 2 hours of sleep if that.  I just couldn't stand not doing this because my not doing it would have left her in a bad place.  Dr Mind would be very unhappy with me about this; I'm supposed to be learning to just say no.  But I've just said no about so much this week and  I don't want to feel guilty because I messed up my sister's career or something. 

Anyway, time to try to drug myself into semi-sleep.  Blech.



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