Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, April 20, 2015

Been a while

This blog will be going private around May 1, 2015.  Please read here or email at masterofirony@gmail.com for details.  I will post details before going private although that may be delayed due to severe episode.

Sorry I haven't been on in a while.  Things are really bad.  I'm in a full-fledged mania with so many thoughts racing through my mind that trying to get words out and to make sense is very hard.  I've not had much sleep and went 39 hours with only 1 hour of sleep one day last week. 

I am using 2/3 of a patch each day to try to decrease agitation and have liquid valium to allow precision dosing of that.  The stuff tastes terrible and so far hasn't done a thing.  Tonight I'm going to increase my dose by a tiny amount.  I got the script Monday but didn't get the med until Friday because it needs prior authorization by my insurance.  That still hasn't come through but I just paid for it because I needed it badly and it wasn't much more than I'd pay with insurance anyway.  It so far has not gotten me to sleep any earlier although it works just like the tablets were and eventually it knocks me out so that I sleep into the day and that just makes it harder to get up the next day. 

I'm really barely functioning right now and am beginning to fear that a hospital stay is in my future.  I know Dr Brain has one more med tweak to try (Depakote, a drug I loathe, but only a tiny dose she promises.....I know how that goes though.  It doesn't work at low doses so we try it and I wind up on a ton because that's what it takes to work at all.  I'm really opposed to that but there are few options).  After that I don't know what happens but it's not something good.

I hoped this was all exacerbated by my thyroid.  I had all the symptoms.  But it's fine.  Apparently complete exhaustion and hypothyroid share a lot of symptoms.  Still waiting for the rest of my bloodwork but it shouldn't show anything relevant.

I don't know how to make my head stop being so loud.  It feels like my head is stuck in a very loud barrel.  I'm not reacting normally to things.  Something actually said I'm just numb.  A commercial makes me cry.  There is no logic or even any explanation for how my mind is working now.

So that's about it.  I'm feeling pretty horrible, trying to remember I've survived this and worse before and utterly failing.  So tired I can't explain it.  And feeling like a robot who needs to take her pills so she's ready to take nasty liquid valium in a couple hours.  When it probably won't work but at least it's a try.  I hate that this stuff isn't working like it used to.  It's made agitated times so easy in the past; I took it, slept about 8 hours and was fine.  This time it seems to think it is a sleeping pill and sleeping pills do nothing but upset me.

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