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I finally realized today that it is possible part of the reason I feel like I'm on the verge of falling apart isn't just because I'm tired, it's because I've been pushing myself to keep it together the entire time I've been living here. For almost 2 years I've kept a "public face" on most of the time. I cry but I don't let myself cry like I am depressed. I am letting so much build up inside and then I wonder why I feel so flat.
This is something Dr. Mind and I are going to have to work on. It used to be that I at least cried with him but now I'm not even doing that. And I think I need to cry. I need to say good-bye to my professional life now that this has become a more real situation and I need to say good-bye to other things I have lost because I had to lose my career. I need to feel sad and I'm refusing to do that. Anxious, yes. Hypomanic, yes. Exhausted, yes. But sad, that I refuse to do.
Dr Mind and I have been talking about my need to keep people happy and not complain or push and potentially annoy someone and that I sometimes need to push a little more. I've gotten worse at this since I moved here, I think because I find it hard to push at my mom when she financially is helping so much. But my mom having free reign over my life isn't good and my feeling like I can't cry in my house because she is next door isn't good. I have a list going of times I should have pushed at people lately and the biggest is Dr Brain; I didn't want to pester about getting in sooner yet I needed to be seen sooner and someone needed to acknowledge the request even if it were impossible. I am planning to ask her how to handle this next time so that she knows it happened this time and so I do know what do in the future, but it really bothers me that she potentially didn't pay attention to an email about this when I have never asked to see her sooner in 12 years. There have been times we've moved appointments up but that has always been based on email or phone conversations. I've never asked just because I wasn't doing well.
I don't know. I finally realized today that I am not only feeling bipolar I am also feeling hypothyroid. So I sent an email to Dr Body asking for labs to be drawn. Hopefully that will happen in the next day or two. It would be wonderful if there is a physical reason for some of this. My synthroid hasn't been adjusted in years so it would be a little surprising for a change to happen but anything is possible and I think when the bipolar gets going that it can have complex effects on the entire rest of the body.
Anyway, I think I'm a little tired. We'll see how that works but I'm going to quit doing things that aren't going to help me relax, like writing.
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