Last night I slept. I have no idea why. I didn't take valium because I had to be able to wake up when someone came to help remove the huge branch that fell from a tree yesterday, blocking the driveway. I can't remember when I fell asleep, only that I was surprised that I felt somewhat tired and decided to try closing my eyes and then I was waking up and thinking that I'd slept a little while. I was awake for about an hour and then slept again and took a nap this afternoon as well. Right now I feel tired but I am not going to guess whether I'll fall asleep or not tonight until I know. If things have fixed themselves I'll be stunned as that's never happened before but I am so thrilled to not feel sick from exhaustion that I know I can survive another night if tonight is bad.
Tomorrow I go back to see Dr Mind, mostly just to check in and show that I'm still ok. This is partly because I haven't been good the last few times I saw him and partly just another of the things that I have to do until people are confident that I won't do the dangerously suicidal thing again. Because the last time was really serious and I stayed that way for so long I have a long time (if ever) before they will really trust me on that again. It got so close to being really bad without my saying anything. So I live with this still and I understand but it still feels kind of weird.
But anyway, I finally did sleep and if I am very fortunate my brain will decide to turn this around. Especially since I haven't heard back about moving my appointment with Dr. Brain up. She and her secretary were off when I called and the person covering said she'd send an email. I have no idea what that means in terms of what Dr. Brain actually sees or is aware of. And I hate to call again because they didn't say how long she was off and I don't want to pester her, especially if I call and she's only been back 3 hours and I'm bugging her. Or something like that that probably wouldn't happen.
More to come, hopefully positive.
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