That's my number. It's the number used to describe my diagnosis. Broken down it's bipolar I, mixed episode, moderate severity.
I watch that last number bounce around. Every so often it's a 1 (mild). Sometimes, several times per year, it's a 3 (severe). A 1 means it's time to celebrate because that probably won't last long. A 3 means it's time to hide.
I seem to have hit a 3. I knew things were getting out of control for a while and blamed it on exhaustion, working too much, stressful people, not being able to meet my own expectations, and near the end, not taking my meds because they were making me sick. So I started disability leave, fully expecting to be anxious to return after a week. It's been almost 2 weeks and there is no sign of that happening soon. Instead I'm working on getting back on my meds, starting to eat again, resting, and doing anything that helps reduce the agitation. The psychologist currently has me tearing up phone books, which sounds stupid but really helps. I need semi-destructive, yet safe, ways to take out some of the aggression.
So, at least now I can't say I don't have time to write. I have some ideas. I have something done in fact but I'm not sure I want to post it. But I'll be working on things now.
About Me
- Just Me
- Over the years I have noticed that when I have the least hope a rainbow appears. Rainbows are a wonderful combination of beauty, hope, happiness and rain, the product of ugly grey clouds that hide the beauty of the sky. The beauty that is a rainbow can only come with the presence of both rain and sun. Such is life with bipolar disorder. There are good times, there are tough times, and there are rainbows to remind us that beauty will return, sometimes fleetingly and sometimes for a long time. This blog is my story of sadness and hope. Please scroll down to "Who I Am" under Pages to read more about me and the people who populate this blog.
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Based on a work at www.masterofirony.blogspot.com.
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3 comments:
Found this post when I googled 296.62... trying to wrap my head around the concept of 5 digits adequately describing what we seem to go through. Your description of the aggression you experience and the need to let it out in a non-destructive way parallels my experience exactly. During times like this when the few meds that have ever actually worked aren't really working, that's kind of the central focus of my life.
You tear phone books? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Better than punching walls any day. When I'm knee-deep in the .62 (like I've been lately) I do things like put on Black Flag's "Everything Went Black" CD at full volume and half-seriously tear my house apart. I have strategically placed non-destructive but good-to-throw items around the place to swing/slam/punch as I scream along. 2 songs in and it's Huntington Beach 1979 right in my living room. I wish punk rock still actually existed. My poor upstairs neighbors...
And I smoke a ridiculous amount of cannabis. After unsuccessfully throwing everything in the pharmacopeia at my head, my doctor says "go right ahead". If I didn't have pot I don't know if I'd even be here... I'd probably have died of road rage or Valium years ago.
One of my issues is an inability to tolerate noise. No music here when I'm symptomatic. I can stand it in stores and the like now, but when I'm not well it is torture.
I do the same thing with needing huge projects. Well, I should say did. This psychologist has taught me a lot of ways around it, because when I start trying to burn energy I just feed my own fire. So now I have things I'm not really allowed to do. No carpentry after midnight. No furniture re-arranging after bedtime. No using carpet knives when agitated (he had to take that from me once as a safety issue and kept it for weeks. I was soooooooooooo mad until I was better and realized even then I was too shaky to safely use it). No breaking glass on purpose (and I really miss that one. The sound is gooooooood. But it's dangerous. I guess.:)
The phone book thing actually is really good. Last year I learned cooking, especially things with lots of chopping, is very good.
i hope your doing well and finding solace. thanks for posting your words of a human beings experience in the day of a life being lived. I really like the colors you have chosen and the bible verse. Be blessed and recieve the blessing of God upon you. alex.
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