Meet Ms. Mixed Episode

In the last few days I've realized that I'm even sicker than I've been thinking. Mixed episodes (symptoms for a full depressive episode and a full manic episode are present together)are never, ever good. My last post was about hitting the severe mark. Worse than severe is a label for "with psychotic features". I'm not psychotic, although if I don't sleep soon I think that will happen. But for now I'm about as severe as I know how to get. Severe enough I'm scared, and while this illness isn't exactly routine, I am used to it now and it rarely scares me.

So, here's my life right now: During the day I tend to get depressed. I sit in the psychologist's office barely able to hold my head up. As the day progresses I get more and more agitated. I try to do big projects, like assembling things, gardening, digging, etc. during those times. By night I'm barely able to sit still and so tired and I can't imagine doing anything else. That's when I have to start dealing with wanting to hurt myself. I won't; I don't really want to, it just starts sounding like something to do.

That means I have to have alternatives. I can't tolerate very much noise; in fact if a neighbor mows their lawn I have to wear soundblocking headphones and play white noise. I'm almost done setting up an exercise area to burn off energy. Very late, when I can no longer stand to do anything, sometimes I can watch short segments of a movie if I keep my hands busy. So far the best way to do that is shredding a city phone book into 1/4 inch chunks. I do that about 2 hours a day.

The most I've slept in 3 weeks is 3 hours solid. Otherwise I sleep in chunks. Last night it was 45 minutes, then up about the same, then 45 minutes. This is becoming painful.

I finally talked to my doctor for a long time a few nights ago. I started an antipsychotic tonight. Unfortunately it looks like I'm going to have to give up the medicine that has given me the most stability for 4 years. The goal is for me ultimately to have some medicine that makes me stable enough to qualify for a last-resort no-medication surgical treatment for depression. In the meantime I'm hoping to be one of the first people on a new antidepressant patch. It doesn't come easy, the patch has potential issues, but for people like me who do not respond to traditional meds it is possibly going to be a huge product.

Work stuff is very stressful because all the paperwork that needs to be done for me to be on disability is not getting done and nothing is being communicated. I need things to go through first so I can calm down about it, and second because I need my disability pay. I'm now 6 days into no pay, and my disability pay starts now, but without paperwork I will not get a check. It's also scary because I left work thinking this was a few weeks, and now it's looking like a few months. I'm too far from better for anything to think of my returning. And of course every day I'm gone something is being lost that I've worked to establish. Not to mention I miss work.

I've just really scared myself this time. I thought I could judge this so well, and that I had come so far, and I was wrong. I won't be trying to make some decisions without more safeguards for a long time. I thought I could do something normal--work overtime for a while--and because I did this my life is going to be messed up for a long time.

I've hesitated over the months to write when I feel bad. I don't want this blog to be the place where Just Me whines. I have um, other places for that, and some of them are getting paid a lot of money for all the sessions right now. But, this IS supposed to be about life with bipolar. Not every patient with bipolar has mixed episodes, and I also am having substantial rapid cycling with this one (literally I am way up and way down every single day), but in some way this is what bipolar is about. Also, this is my blog and I need to use it this way. One of the really scary things I've done this time is not admit how sick I am. First I didn't admit I was sick at all for weeks, just "starting to not feel good", and then "I'll be fine if I rest", and then finally "uh-oh". So, I need to document what this is like because next time through maybe I'll not lie so much and get the treatment I need faster.