Day by Day

Things just keep going. I'm a little better the last few days. I increased 2 meds and at least I'm not feeling the dreadful pressure to move, move, move all the time. I'm so glad when I'm depressed. That sounds odd, but to me nothing is worse than that must move feeling. The worst part of depression is that I am not good at crying and when I'm depressed I need to cry. The pressure from that builds up and I think is part of the trigger for cycling into mania. This week I finally cried and so combined with the sedation from both med changes I haven't been doing much besides sleeping or just plain laying down. Boring, but better than the alternative.

On the other hand I have started having to work to stay out of the hospital. Nobody is completely sure I can do this alone. I had to go through some of the worst humiliation I've encountered in a while when I had to arrange for someone to make sure I've eaten and taken meds etc., because of fear I'll forget. I've also had limits put on what I'm allowed to do because what is dangerous now is apparently a little more broadly defined thanks to my body shaking from the lithium toxicity, my not-wonderful judgment, and my mood swings.

Those things were horrible. It has been a long time since I felt like I was so mentally ill that I even needed to think someone else has to make decisions. Now I'm having to adjust to knowing that I can't see myself all that realistically. Yet I hear different things from different people about how sick I am. So I am having to trust that they'll work it out and reach an agreement, and that the agreement will be right for me. This is not easy since I am not that good at trusting.

If I disappear for a while, that would probably mean the hospital has gotten me. I don't think that's going to be the outcome, but it well could be. If it does, I will return. Probably with stories I don't even want to think about.