No Upbeat Bloggers Around Here

When I realized I was pretty sick this time my doctor and I decided to try a medicine (Risperdal, an antipsychotic) that I may or may not have had an allergic reaction to last year. I reacted in a sequence that went with it being from this medicine, but I didn't recover for months, until another medicine was removed. So I've slowly and cautiously been increasing my dose at a snail's pace.

Tonight I had to email the doctor and tell her that the signs of allergies are returning. I suppose this could all still be some coincidence, but I suspect it's the medication, especially because it's at the same dose that I had the reaction last year.

This is the 3rd antipsychotic I've had a reaction to. That means that I'm going to have to take one that I really do not want to take. Unfortunately a side effect of working with patients who take these meds is that I've got a good idea of how they affect people. In one case that actually benefitted my patient because I was able to insist that her behaviors were from a side effect I only knew about because I'd had it. After a quick exam her doctor agreed, her meds were changed and she quit beating people up. The meds I have left as options scare me. They cause more sedation and weight gain. Risperdal does for some people, but hasn't for me and I've seen more people function better on it than my remaining options (Seroquel or Zyprexa, which is actually a med I've already said I'll take only as a last resort because of the weight gain associated with it).

This is even harder to stomach because for 2 days I've felt the tiniest bit better, probably because I've had 2 nights of sleep. There is no telling what a med change will do to this gain, or if another med will help me feel better. I am so reluctant to lose that. I'm also so afraid of gaining weight. I lost 3o pounds due to being sick from my recent lithium toxicity. This is not a good way to lose weight, but taking meds is not a good way to gain it either. I've gained so much weight since I started serious psych meds and to be back at the middle of where I've been and where I started felt good. It has been so nice to have my clothes fit perfectly again, and to even have things that were way too big yet fit a few months ago. I've felt more confident about how I look than I have in years. I dread having that change more than anything else. Even if I just go back to my previous weight it feels so out of control.

So now I'm in the middle of the worst episode I've ever had, the whole thing has been complicated by lithium toxicity out of the blue, and now I may have to essentially start over with the meds. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to feel bad forever. I already know I'm going to be on disability leave much of the summer. It just seems so far off that I'll ever get my life back.