Maybe I am a little dangerous when manic

A few weeks ago I went to a therapy appointment much more manic and agitated than usual, even for a day in the midst of the worst part of this episode. It was at the time of day that the mania was always the worst, I was trying to handle quite a bit of stress related to my lab values and as has been the case throughout this episode the agitation was so bad that I was unable to relax or sleep. I had found an outlet, but sometimes my manic outlets risk my getting mentally caught up in it to the point I just wear myself out and keep going because I don't know how to stop. I think this had happened in this case.

One of my projects involved removing some old carpeting and cutting it up to be thrown away in manageable pieces. The psychologist said I should not be using carpet knives. I laughed. He persisted in telling me I shouldn't mess with the knife and if I insisted that would be a factor in the hospitalization decision that was pending at that time. I argued that I had no desire to harm myself with the knife, I just wanted to cut some carpet. He told me it wasn't that he thought I wanted to hurt myself, but that I would accidentally hurt myself because my judgment wasn't good, my thinking was not good, and my hands were very shaky. He asked me to promise I wouldn't use the knife. I wouldn't promise because I knew that I wasn't going to be very patient about waiting for something so stupid. I was fine. So he asked me to give him the knife.

I got it back this week. My judgment and cognition are better and I've been less clumsy, I think. Tonight I went to work on my project some more and tried to assemble the knife. I am still way too shaky. At this point I know to stop and not fight to do anything with a razor blade. I know that 2 weeks ago I would have kept going until I hurt myself.

And I had no idea....It's a humbling thought.