My last few days

The point of this post was supposed to be about the nightmare I'm having getting my disability to go through and my fear of running rather low on money soon. You'll note none of this is addressed. My mind is a wondrous thing in it's autonomy right now.

Sometime early in this episode I decided it was time to face a lot of really harsh feelings. For years I have swatted away anger and sadness with every episode, calling them "symptoms". Every so often I'd have a period I would do better and be faced with sadness because the "better" me was so far from normal and so unable to do what I wanted to do. But then I would bat way THOSE feelings because who wants to wreck a good mood when you only get one every 6 months or so?

This time there was no excuse. I was already on disability, I already had so many things going on that I was going to be off for a while, and I needed to do it. So we've started. And it's been so hard. Good, but hard. I almost always leave the psychologist's office feeling like I was there for hours because I put so much effort into that hour. I've come to cry freely, and that's something I've never done except when my emotions were totally out of my control.

The problem is that things have gotten more and more stressful as we've done this and somewhere last week I hit a breaking point. Friday night I was crying so much I wasn't even bothering with wiping my face and my shirt was soaked. Saturday I think I cried before the therapist was in the room. Yesterday I referred to Saturday's tears as having been "out of control" and he agreed, so I guess that describes that. In combination with my not sleeping the last few weeks and waking up screaming and with nightmares when I did, I wound up with this being an "easy" week to rest. Already I'm getting myself together again.

Last night I slept, which people have been able to see without my saying so. I must have been looking great lately. It wasn't a ton, it wasn't great, but it was an improvement.

Now I have 6 days to hold it together all by myself. That is the longest I've gone in about 2 months. It's time for a new achievement (funny what can become an achievement...).