Cried a lot today

I got a bit less sleep than the night before, although I guess it was a reasonable amount. The quality though, left a lot to be desired. And it was so highly medicated I'm not sure it was sleep as much as it was a short coma. I'm dreading trying tonight; I need to take pills in a few minutes. I felt bad enough to email my doctor to tell her that I know we're one notch below a med I've always not wanted to take and I'm willing to take it.

I cried a lot after I talked to a work friend. I've been sort of hurt because I've not heard much from work. I get an occasional phone call. I've not even received a card, and that's atypical of where I work. At the beginning of my working obsessively and making myself sick I organized a wedding shower one day and a memorial donation the next. And today my friend was telling me all about how my new assistant is wonderful and has done this and that and the other. That's great, but it makes me feel like nobody wants me. I feel like by the time I get back to work, which is still so far off everyone is repeatedly saying "one day at a time" (which translates to "you're too sick to think about the truth"), nobody will care that I'm back.

And so I cry. Which is probably good because I'm not very good at crying to expressing feelings and crying helps with the stress. It might even burn some energy. But I'd really like a picture of the future so I can believe it is really there....