Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Decision Made

Well, so much for that decision. Yesterday I found out some more details, which included a reluctance on the part of the company offering me the job to firmly commit to "Just Me doesn't work extra", along with some other things, and I realized that I was pretty strong in my prior decision that I wouldn't consider this unless things were clearly and definitely different. I think it was when she said something about keeping my caseload lower so I could manage that I really knew.....I am not ever going to deny a patient treatment because I'm only "accepting" 7 patients right now, or whatever. If more than a minimum number of people need treatment, they need to bring in help, and if they can't promise that then they aren't doing this right.

Then I realized that thinking about change was stupid. I'm mad at my psychiatrist over changes that have frustrated and frightened me. My psychologist is constantly trying to reassure me he isn't leaving me and I just get mad at that because so much has changed in my life in so little time that I won't believe anything is staying the same, even though I need to believe he is going to be here long term. Every change in the last year has shaken my entire world, and I don't want any more.

So I'm staying. I'm going to accept the things I have to, including that my health does affect my career. Another day, another concession to disability. I'll deal with the things that concern me over time, and if next year I am still truly bored I will think again about what path to take. At that point I may branch out of therapy and try a different form of mental health work since that's what I love.

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