Tuesday

I have no idea what to call this.....

First, random way to have loads of fun for $5...live catnip in a pot. I've had 3 high cats for 2 days. It wears off, then they eat it, and suddenly someone is flying around the house running into walls while the other 2 look confused. Lots of laughs for me.

I think my meds may be slightly getting out of whack. Or maybe just not getting into whack is a better way to say it. I increased my antidepressant a few weeks ago for depression, knowing it would probably trigger a bit of mania. I wasn't sleeping as well, making it hard to wake up, so I increased the trileptal a tiny bit. Now I'm very sleepy all the time. I'm scared to increase the Provigil (wake-up pill) because I also have been feel a bit overly happy (despite sleepy) the last couple days, and if I'm bordering on hypomania provigil is a painful mistake. This is all part of going off lithium which was the basis of everything for so long, and it also goes with this time of winter (I'm sure this isn't coincidence that it is hitting right with the worst weather we've had this year). Nonetheless, I'm glad I see the doctor this week and hope she can figure this out.

I'm having trouble letting a conversation from tonight go. Two very young nursing assistants were at dinner discussing some movie about a man who dates a lot of "freaks". "You know, a woman with narcolepsy.....(goes on to describe how hilarious that is)........then someone with Tourrette's.......(oh, the thrills)" and then I tuned out. The whole time I was so frustrated because I was waiting to hear about bipolar or schizophrenia or something, and I don't want to be made fun of. I get so angry hearing any of the neurological/psychiatric illnesses laughed at, and those hit so close to home. Hearing them laugh at this stuff just makes me want to jump up and start describing what my life is like, and asking them to point out where that is FUNNY.

To be clear, I am not complaining about my life. My life has plenty of good things in it. Sometimes even bipolar is good. Sometimes. But I hate when people laugh. I hate it because I am embarrassed that my behaviors are sometimes "off" and that people can see it. I hate that my doctors can tell from my eyes or the pitch of my voice if I am manic. I hate that I cry for no reason in public. I hate that I lose my temper in ways I don't mean to do. I read the application form for vocational rehabilitation that my psychologist filled out. I didn't want to, but he gave it to me in an unsealed envelope and I couldn't resist, which I am sure was the point. Some of the areas he marked as problematic make me cringe, even though I know they are issues.

I guess that's tonight's big statement: Don't laugh at me....