Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, February 26, 2010

I talked. Now I learn more about the truth

Dr. Mind has now been given my list of why things like urologists are bad for me. I gave him a 3 part list that included things that molester 1 did, things molester 2 did, some of the "this is the reason that I ________", and the few facts I did know about consequences and that give some picture of what occurred. (ie mainly things I've learned from gynecological exams that give some picture of a sort to my experiences).

Honestly doing that wasn't that hard. I was ready, and to be honest the thing I thought would be worst, sitting there while he read it (twice or 3 times) was kind of the part that helped the most. Because although he tried to keep it very understated, as I was, I watched him read. And although he was mostly successful at keeping a blank face, I could also see him struggle at points, and I also saw that he was angry. I'm sure he has no clue, but he spent a good portion of that reading time clenching and slightly opening and clenching a partly raised fist. And while I do not need an over-blown, I'm so sorry this happened you poor thing reaction, that was precisely what I needed. Without intending to do it and without saying a word (and with telling me later he was careful to not react in any way that would annoy me or upset me more) he showed me, again, that he cares, enough to be bothered by what I told him. Granted, it's a list that you'd never be able to read without feeling something, but horror wouldn't help me at all and knowing that he was sad and actually struggled to control that for a minute and that he was very angry helped. If he'd said it it wouldn't have helped as much as reading his body language when he was unaware did. He tried to keep me from seeing much reaction by turning his back and trying hard to keep his face without expression, but given that I threw that at him with absolutely no warning whatsoever he didn't succeed 100%. I'm sure he was expecting me to do as I have been for a long time now, just talking about the issues that you face when you meet real life for the first time at my age. I've been avoiding difficult things because I've been luxuriating in feeling good, and because there truly is a lot of adjustment to this. It's an adjustment I'm glad to make, but it's still big; my whole ability to handle life is about 100% different than it was 6 months ago. I've gone from suicidal to scoring in the normal range of psych testing in the last 4 months. It's great, but it is also confusing at times.

Anyway, so my decision to tackle the one and only thing I've told him he never could talk to me about had to have seemed out of the blue. It wasn't and he knows why now, but I'm sure that if he listed 25 things I'd bring up that wouldn't have been close to on the list.

So I did it and it went well. Now, however, I'm in the strange position of talking about it making a couple memories that weren't clear before sort themselves out into something that makes more sense. Since I didn't talk to him about these things in any way that he could have put an idea in my head, what I now remember (which also makes total sense in context now that I finally realized I'd been combining 2 events into one that couldn't possibly have logistically occurred). I have a much more complete memory suddenly of something that has bothered me for years as something I had only pieces of, and while it doesn't answer the ultimate question of "what happened specifically" it answers a lot.

So, that's my big stress. It's making me want to sleep a lot. So, good-night.


otgirl said...

I know what you mean about someone just seeing and acknowledging, not overreacting, but not under-reacting either. It's very powerful. And maybe validating? Anyway, good for you. You totally rock. Keep it up. Etc.

Julia said...

Wow. Thinking of you as you sleep...and hoping remembering is a way to move forward.

Michal Ann said...

Good night! Of course you want to sleep a lot. Look at all you've managed to do this week on top of a busy work schedule and a lousy flu! I'll pray that you and I both have a really solid rest for body, soul and spirit.

You sure made some giant strides in writing your list and having this appointment. I'm once again thankful that you have such a solid relationship with your very caring Dr. Mind. Oh, how I pray that you're able to continue to get great benefit from this new place in life. As you've said, YOU DECIDED to tackle this! WOW!

I'm so proud of you and so hopeful that you'll be able to get the medical care you need for the chronic UTI's. You are BRAVE and resourceful, as usual. I love you!

They that sow in tears will reap in joy. Psalm 126:5