Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Anxious and angry

Surgery is 15 days away. I'm nervous and trying to plan and know how to manage everything. I'm trying to get more anxiety meds out of Dr. Brain but we're having communication issues. The good thing is the pain is greatly improved over the last 2 days and I've gotten some very much needed sleep. The bad thing is my mother. She has, admittedly, done no research about hysterectomies. However, she has decided I am being pessimistic and am reading about only worst case scenarios (this because I mentioned I'd been posting on a message board, where instead of worst case you get a lot of the same old thing, which is comforting. She cannot seem to understand that this is major surgery and that while I'm having it done laparoscopically that does not mean it won't hurt. It means less incision pain, but the removal process in the body is the same. It is still major surgery. Somehow in her mind I'm supposed to be fine by day 3 or 4. In fact she hadn't bothered to change babysitting plans for my niece the week of surgery. I know that's a commitment but this was a commitment first and or all I know I won't go home until that day. Hopefully not, but that's too soon after surgery for me to have no help available. I think she interpreted that conversation as me whining. I did not whine; I stayed very patient in fact when I found out that telling me she'd get me to Dr. Mind's the week after surgery was not true. She's told me stuff but never bothered to write it down, believe me that I will need whatever, or think if she needs to be there. She also told me that I'm afraid because I remember last year's atypical recovery "and I'm still recovering". First I don't remember last year's recovery. Second, the atypical part a year ago was psych, not physical and the physical recovery took a bit and the recovery from this is harder than what was done a year ago, as I've told her about 30000 times (but I can't be right because those would be worst case situations only). Third, I know now that she doesn't understand that there was a log time that I fought to get better. There was a long time my drs. didn't know if I would recover at all. Then I got better. Now it has leveled off. That means this is probably what my mind is like. She's seemed to understand that for a long time but in truth has been humoring my pessism. I HATE that she thinks I'm pessimistic. You don't fight this disease and keep going if you are a pessimist. I have severe anxiety. I worry a lot. That's part of the disease and the way she let me grow up. But she refuses to change this idea in her head and after 2 minutes really refused to discuss this. And all I want to do is relax enough to cry and I can't. And tomorrow she'll be here to help clean. She's paying for some flooring work in the basement but before it can be done stuff needs hauled away. This hasn't been something I've been up for preparing for. And really? It's not happening before surgery. The hauling might but the flooring certainly isn't. Yes, I'd love to get it done but I can't help how I feel and that's not exactly been up to major cleaning. At this point my goal is to have the house nice for surgery. What I want doesn't matter. So I'm triply anxious and now I'm angry especially when she got offended when I tried to talk to her. I want Dr. Mind.......I want to hear that she's being herself and that I'm right nad allowed to be anxious about losing a body part. But when I see him I'm not doing the best job at talking. I'm sorry. I'm so cranky tonight. It seems like right now either there's nothing to say or there is nothing pleasant to say. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

1 comment:

Michal Ann said...

Jen, I think you're doing a really good job of processing what's going on with your mom. You're repeating what you've learned through your hard work with Dr. Mind. You're right to be angry and to express your feelings. I think you're being admirably self-controlled and assertive.

Can your sister help your mom gain some much-needed perspective? It might help you immensely if she would get another babysitter so you'll have your mother's support when it's badly needed. It strikes me that your mom is in some serious denial. She doesn't want this "bump in her road" so it seems she's just wishing it away. You've expressed that you have a great deal of anxiety as part of the disease and sometimes you can probably "buck up" and exert great effort to conquer these feelings...but this isn't exactly the time.

Oh, how I pray you'll be able to speak freely with Dr. Mind. Lord, please loosen Jen's tight reign on her feelings and give her freedom to pour them out to her trusted friend and doctor. May she feel Your mighty and loving hand overshadowing her and sheltering her now. We call on You for You are the only Divine Physician. Touch Jen and HEAL her in body, soul, mind and spirit.

Bring peace to her relationship with her mom and family. Let the light of truth shine and raise up compassion and patience. You are LOVE and we ask for an outpouring of Your Spirit's fruits of LOVE and even JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, GENTLENESS, KINDNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GOODNESS AND SELF-CONTROL. (Gal 5:22-23)

We NEED an outpouring and an infilling so BREATHE life into the dead and hurt places in this very difficult time. We call on You, the Author and Finisher of live and faith to give this divine "CPR."

Please give Jen Your gift of faith, the great faith of Hebrews 11:1, the evidence of things hoped for, the substance of things unseen so that she can truly picture the fulfillment of her best hopes for this surgery. Lift any remnants of pessimism but help her express her true emotions. May her mother see the excellence with which she's prepared for this challenging time. Thank you for all the help and healing that has come to her relationship with her mom and the blessings that are linked to little Anne and Jen's sister. May gratitude and kindness be expressed all around.

Open the floodgates of heaven, Lord. We are weak but You are strong. Show Yourself mighty to save and comfort. Break bondages and set Jen free as You bring healing to every wounded place.

Nothing but the blood of Jesus can give Jen the infusion of life she longs for. May this be truly a year of the Lord's favor for Jesus came to fulfill the prophecy of Isaiah 61: 1-3 (See Luke 4: 18-19.)

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

May Your splendor be revealed in Jen's life, Lord. Just as You have raised many rainbows over dark skies, light up her life with unexpected, colorful, radiant blessings.

In the mighty name of Jesus, amen.