Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, August 30, 2012


So it seems that I have been away from the blog for a very long time. It's been so long since I didn't post for almost a week i can't remember. It just is a combination of avoiding the anxiety about my surgery, my last period attacking me, a bad migraine that had me vomiting while covering one eye to block light for most of a night (and there is not one migraine medication I can take so we're praying for no more of those). My mother and I actually talked things out a bit. She read about hysteretomies a bit and while I still think she thinks it's less than it is she has a better idea, sort of. I'm going to ask my dr. to include a little bit about how I'll need to rest and not do a ton for a while when she talks to my mom post-op. My mother also admits that she's afraid that I'll lose more cognition. I think that because she doesn't know all of what happened last year and the cognitive losses are very visible as I forget what I'm saying, doing, planning, what day it is, etc. I am aware of them and am terrified they will worsen but I am much more worried about the return of suicidal Jen. Not likely but could happen. The truth is I have to have this surgery. Nobody can predict the risks. So we take it one step at a time. I think waiting to know is going to be harder on her than me, and of course it's not like i'm going to wake up and we'll know. It will be at least a few weeks. So I'm also going to ask the surgeon to reassure her that things went well and there is no reason to think anything like last year will happen. The really big thing was that I said to her, very carefully, that I don't understand why she thinks I'm such a pessimist, when there is no way I would have survived the last year if I wasn't able to find hope in tiny things. I wish I could tell her that I am starting to look at Dr. Mind again, just for a couple seconds, but because my inability to maintain eye contact with anyone over 2 years old has bothered me greatly because I worked very hard for literally years to be able to do that. My being able to do so is a testament to the work of my entire grad school class. (Really. They interrupted things all the time to remind me to look at the person I was talking to. Because of them I gained a skill rare among people with bipolar disorder. It's gone away this last year and I refuse to accept that. If I can look at Dr. Mind I'll be closer to being able to just do it because he's the one that no matter how much we talk about it I still feel ashamed of some of what I did and said in there. Anyway, long story aside I pointed out to my mother than I'm not a pessimist, I am bipolar and have severe anxiety. She said that this had actually occurred to her the night before. She says she forgets that I have the mental illness and so she interprets things in the wrong context. I thought this was a huge development; Dr. Minds it is a step and gave me some more things to talk to her about. Dr. Mind is part of why I've been absent. I saw him Monday and we had kind of a difficult conversation because I didn't fully understand what his point was. So I went back today and we talked about it and I understand more what he is saying. I just find it hard not to do what he is saying I need to find ways to believe that sometimes medications will work normally; I seem to not longer believe any meds will be normal for me. I see both our points. At the same time and we still have to talk about this more but not until after surgery he doesn't agree with my assessment that nobody ever would want to be in a relationship with me. I was stunned that he thought otherwise. I just never think of such things. His point before I went into shock was that I need at some point to consider how to tell someone that I've had a hysterectomy so hope you did not want children. I think long before we got to that part of a relationship I'd have scared them off. I know from experience relationships don't go well when you are scared of being touched, have to admit that you are on many medications including one that limits some foods, I go weekly to see Dr. Mind and by the way you're going to be coming too so we can learn how to work together to not be overwhelmed and this and that and 10 other things. So we'll have that battle when I'm off pain meds. I'm also busily trying to prepare. I have most of the house cleaned up and am working on the last of it. I've been cooking and freezing foods so that I eat healthily while recovering. That kind of thing. I have numerous sewing projects for Christmas underway and am trying to get a load of baby hats ready to mail to String of Pearls. So I'm just stressed and busy and yet boring. But I miss it here so I'll try to be a little more consistent. It just feels like there is no news. Surgery in 10 days, surgery in 8 days, whatever. That's the main thing on my mind. Missed you all. opyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

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