Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, September 01, 2012

I've got nothing

I just don't know what to say. I am 9 days from surgery and having a great deal of anxiety. That's hardly surprisng. I have pre-op Tuesday so hopefully that will help me calm down. In reality I think it will just be hard for the next week. There are things about this that are so scary. It's such a final thing to do. The good thing about that is that I will no longer have bleeding and cramps. The bad thing is that it is very, very permanent. I didn't think that would affect me but it does. I've not talked about it much because I don't want to feel extremely conflicted going in. I'd much rather grieve when it's done. There's also the simple fact that I could lose more cognitive skills this time. The only way to know that is going to be waiting. Which is tough. There is also a chance this won't fix everything. I am keeping my ovaries because menopause is not a good idea for me (the surgical kind, the other I don't have a choice). That means I'll still get PMS and ovarian cysts. There are worse things but I'm really hoping it will all be gone. I think that in many ways I'm shifting anxiety about this to other things. Money especially, but also stupid things like my ridiculous to-do list. Many things make sense. Other things could wait if I would just settle down. I need to go finish washing dishes in a minute. I am trying to have baby hats ready to mail so I need to hand wash the ones that can't handle the machine. They'll need a few days to dry so I want to get that started. When all of them are ready I have to go through every one and look for errors, loose yarn, etc. I won't actually be able to mail them until I get paid in a few weeks. Increased grocery shopping has made me very tight for a while. The good thing is I probably won't be spending a lot of money for much of September so that should help. I did something so ridiculous the other day. I had forgotten to lock the car after carrying in groceries, and when I heard someone walk past I remembered and used the remote from inside the house. A little bit later I heard beep-beep-beep-beep. I ignored this for a while thinking there was no way it was my car. It continued so I went out and re-closed all the doors. I waited a while and nothing beeped. I came in and soon heard beep-beep-beep-beep. I went back out. Repeat. I looked at the manual and did what it said. Beep-beep-beep-beep. This time I did everything but dance around. Beep-beep-beep-beep. I gave up and unlocked the car. Beep-beep-beep-beep. I gave up, knowing I might have to go to the dealer an hour away if it didn't miraculously stop overnight. When I woke it was still beeping. I started to go out again when suddenly I realized it was coming from the basement. Turns out when I took clothes out of the dryer before the entire drying time was up I thought I'd turned the machine off. I was wrong. So all that work and I just needed to press a button. My Anna cat is laying up on my bed beside me. I am so happy with how she is doing. 2 months ago I really thought the end of her life was coming. Now she is off anxiety meds, eating really well but not excessivley, she's gained weight and looks healthier than she has in a few years, and she is happy. I love seeing her wanting to be held and also sleeping peacefully. Wow, big thunder. I guess it's time to check the weather! Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com


Anonymous said...


I wonder if this comment will see the light of day (?) It seems that try as I might, I simply cannot prove I am not a robot! Ah well, if I try twenty times again, I will just email this to you.

You really are doing SO very well, although I suppose it's hard for you to see. And I DO very much understand the significance of this surgery.

Here's a different perspective... I am 53 and I still get my period regularily. Seriously. My sister had hers until she was 57. I don't know WHAT is wrong with us! BUT I know the day that menopause is here for me for real, I will mourn. Why? Even though I'd never THINK of having a child? Because of what you said - it's permanent and final. Soooo, if I can feel like this at my ripe old age, your feelings are very, very understandable and valid.

We are women, and when something like this is taken away, it is significant. And yes, grieving is perfectly natural I think. Very normal, as are your fears re the surgery and all it entails.


remember! Your doctors are well aware of potential problems and will take good care of you.

I wish I (someone!) could make it go away for you. And the waiting? Argghh - would drive me up the wall. That's gotta be the worst.

But, I say you are doing so well because you are physically preparing your body and your home, you are making good use of this anxiety causing time by giving to little babies. You are doing the very best you can - even if you forgot the dryer button! :-)

I will pray for lessened anxiety and comfort for you, Jen. God will be right with you, but you know that. And down the road, it will be a good thing not to suffer the horrible symptoms.

You are doing so well. Continue to keep busy and keep preparing, and know you are in my thoughts and my prayers.


Anonymous said...

WOW - it worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michal Ann said...

Good to hear such wisdom and kindness and truth from Becky-not-a-robot! She's right on so I say "ditto."

I didn't "menopause" til age 58-59. I was told it's perfectly normal though beyond the typical timeframe. I LIKED having hormones and feel the aging proceeding more rapidly with The Change. I haven't had many problems...few hot flashes, etc., but being female certainly has it's challenges! I think my metabolism has slowed considerably so I'll have to find seldom-realized discipline to keep in shape. I know it will be good for me in so many ways if I do this. I've heard it said that one can be much more energetic after menopause because less energy is going to the stresses of the menstrual cycle. You can look forward to MORE IRON IN YOUR BLOOD and you'll have several more days monthly without pain and aggravation. You'll even save money on supplies...it's costly to pay for hygiene products! I call it a "tax" on being a girl.

Think of the EXERCISE you got when trying to stop the beep-beep-beep! I hope you can shrug off some of these little glitches. It happens to all of us.

BAKING SODA is great for so many household tasks and makes a great soak for burned stuff in pans. How do I know this? Because I've burned stuff, too, even empty pans I was pre-heating. Don't ride the guilt trip too long! NO ONE would judge you for a simple error.

Blessings upon you, dear Jen!