Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, September 03, 2012

I am so frustrated

Although I still have serious memory issues that are significant I have been learning to live with it. Slowly, not perfectly, but I'm doing it. I have felt relatively confident that I could safely cook as long as I kept a timer on and stayed in the kitchen if I knew I was distracted. I made some pasta this evening. I stayed in the kitchen because I'm tired and sore today. I forgot to turn the burner off. I've been in my bedroom and far away from any warnings until it really got hot. So hot that it appears the nonstick stuff burned away. I'll know more when it is cooled completely and it is soaking right now but I have a feeling I ruined an expensive pan and don't have money to replace it. I want to cry because I'm so tired of things being difficult but it isn't happening. I am too focused on making it through this week. I wish it were easier. I remember when that wasn't even something I had to think about and now I'm embarrassed that anyone gave me a nice pan when I can't handle things. I've accepted that things are different now but that does not mean that I'm happy about it. I counted on my brain and memory. It was how I managed bipolar and work; I memorized everything about every patient that I could. I worked so hard at this that there were times I could recite someone's medicare # and give room numbers for 200 patients. My memory was always the thing I had that I could rely on. I might not be the same mood for 10 minutes but I certainly could remember more than almost anyone. Losing that and facing the consequences is the hardest part of what has happened in the last 18 months or so. I knew my bipolar could and quite possibly would reach a point of worsening but I never realized how hard it would be to know that has happened. My memory is so good that I stopped typing suddenly while writing last night and totally forgot to finish it. My niece will say "I am FRUSTRATED" when she is upset. Me too little girl, me too. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

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