Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, August 19, 2012

What am I doing to myself?

This evening I was out mowing and thinking that I won't be doing that too many more times this year. My surgery is 3 weeks away and I'll be done mowing then. I was having a hard time because the mowing was causing some discomfort and it suddenly hit me: Mowing is something that I'm proud I can do because I have so many restrictions. My ability to function is completely different than it was a year ago, when I was 4 days pre-op. I need this hysterectomy. I've failed every step of the ladder to qualify for one when you are younger. I am hurting and bleeding far too heavily. It's really not a choice. But I've been as relaxed as I could manage to be about this. And today that changed and I found myself asking the questions that nobody can answer. I am so afraid that I'll lose another chunk of myself. Surgical pain, recovery, etc. doesn't bother me much because I can handle those things. I'm trying to tell myself that there's not much that really could be taken. If my cognition is worse I've managed that. I already lost work, who I was, who I wanted to be. A lot of what happened last time was a reaction to hormones. There is no reason to think I will come out of surgery suicidal this time since that has disappeared since the Mirena came out. Precautions are being taken to avoid the horrible akasethesia from last year. And yet I know there is a risk. I know because I learned the hard way. Doing this means one more time I have to just take a deep breath and do it. And I don't want to. I'm tired of living like that. I'm tired of the risks in my life being the loss of who I am. I know this awful year has also had good. I know that I have made enormous gains with PTSD and that this is a huge deal. But I also have no memory of most of a year of my life and what I know of that time is horrible. I've now had both Dr. Brain and Dr. Mind say they didn't know if I was going to come back from this last episode. And everyone seems to accept the losses with the same calm but sad acceptance I try to go for. But in reality I have a lot of feelings that are NOT calm or sad. I lost so much that I had worked so hard for and if that weren't enough I have to face the potential of losing them again. This is so hard. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com


Michal Ann said...

Hey Jen, you're processing some amazing stuff. I hope you get some resolution about the "mixed up uncles" by talking to your mom. Tragic in any case.

I learned today that there are two more uterine ligaments. They attach to the bladder and rectum, FYI.

It's absolutely expected that you would be mourning and anxious. Keep pressing through the issues.

Exhausted...passed written w/ 92% (It was much easier than I thought which is good because I had very little time with the text book.)

My "client" said her massage today was "fantastic" overall but in order to prepare for the practicum, I had to spend half of another night planning a sequence of new techniques. The instructor says that the women don't know what they're experiencing but my gal had had a couple of previous massages. I won't know how well I did for a couple weeks nor will I know what extra projects they're giving me so we can date completion to coordinate with my license coming through. Once again, I feel like a rank beginner but hopefully, this credential will help me take the next steps.

I started the day reading and praying Psalm 139 including the verses "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." I give the LORD thanks for pulling me through another day. Oh Lord, help my hands express Your life to this world.

Family reunion tomorrow a couple hours drive north, food to prepare, linens and a car full of massage stuff to sort out and wash...

You're the best! I'm so proud of you!


Rachael said...

Jen - I am so amazed by your ability to articulate what you are going through. I'm just realizing that I have been mired in my depressive muck for the last couple of months and I didn't even realize it. It's almost scary how much one can simply put one foot in front of the other yet the world is gray. I take such inspiration from you and your willingness to share. I, too, wish things didn't have to keep being so hard. I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I hope you will, too - and we will keep hope in our hearts. Thank you - Rachael

Just Me said...

Hang in there. Know you are not alone.

It's amazing to me how far we can go not realizing how we feel. Once I was feeling terrible and struggling to find help when finally I realized that every day as I reached a certain part of the hall through the basement which was the staff entrance I was plastering a smile on. On the way out off it went. Soon after I started counseling.

Praying for you,

Rachael said...

Jen - Thank you so very much. I'm realizing that depression likes the shadows. By putting my comments out to others, I have gotten some amazing support. I've let light into the shadows. Your reply meant a great deal to me.

I read your latest post and am thinking of you. Hoping you find the strength you need.