Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Good and Bad

I'm still feeling pretty frighteningly like lithium toxicity. My doctor basically said that I know what it feels like and if I'm concerned I should hold it again and if it doesn't clear see a doctor. I probably should have gone to see one, but I dread doctors who aren't familiar with me, especially while my kidney situation is so up in the air. I convinced myself I was ok, then immediately felt sick from not eating, followed by gagging on food. And I've still not really drank remotely enough. It's hard to explain how this feels different from flu, but it does.

This means I'm on day 3 without meds. Very, very bad and very unusual for me. Tomorrow I will have to get on track strictly. If I'm not better I'm going to have no choice but to see a doctor.

I did something I never dreamed I do though. I talked to my sister, in detail, for a long time about bipolar. She knew, but the word had never been said between us. We've not been very close, although that's been changing over the last year. That conversation meant the world to me.

I got information about my college reunion. There's a form to fill out about what you're doing, etc. I filled it out, then got to the part I just couldn't stand to fill in. Favorite professor? Well, let's see. I probably had another one but the way life works is weird, and the psychologist who cared enough to last through all these years of bipolarness is the only one who comes to mind. People I keep in touch with? Embarassing short list of one, plus the psychologist who I'm not admitting to. And I can hardly write that by the end of senior year I had shoved everyone away during my first severe and suicidal depression. Nor can I write that I don't remember much of the last 2 years of college. What do you do that's not work? Tell us about your family? At this point many of my class have 3-4 kids. I went to a very, very Christian college. I can't even write about a church because I have none; I can't tolerate church. So I gave up as that's depressing. I'll figure out something short by the time it's due, and I'll be careful to read it only when feeling good because I'm going to want some of their lives. I know my life is mine for a reason, but sometimes (today) I would trade. And the school I went to, I just can't imagine EVER telling nearly anyone about bipolar.

Anyway, it was at the least an interesting day. Hopefully I wake up feeling way, way better.

No comments: