Beats 2002

There is a long story attached to my getting Elijiah, the cat who recently died. Basically I was very manic after my other kitten died unexpectedly (Ellie), and Eli was adopted to help fill that gap. When I got him I also fell in manic love with another kitten and that's how I came to have Noah.

When Ellie died I was a wreck. She was very young, less than 6 weeks. She had received a clean bill of health days before. She'd also just started coming around me. She was a beautiful, tiny calico kitten and as she gained trust she was really starting to love me. Then one night I went to the bathroom and saw her laying on the living room floor. I went and petted her briefly then went to bed. I thought her position was odd but figured she was playing. A few hours later I woke up to my adult cat, Anna, freaking out. She'd found Ellie's body under my bed.

I was in no shape to handle anything. I was on lithium but no other mood stabilizers and lithium alone is useless for me. I was very upset. My "friend" (described in detail here) agreed to come and help me handle the body.

Frankly I think my reaction was totally appropriate given the circumstances. I was very sick and this was highly traumatic. At least with Eli I knew he might die. But when my "friend" decided to tell me all the 70000 ways my life was wrong she made sure to make some scathing remarks about my "ridiculous (her word)" reaction to Ellie's death.

This time I was spared some of the trauma because Eli died at my mother's house and I didn't deal with the body or the clean-up. But I'm still upset and freaked out.

The difference though is that I KNOW I'm allowed to feel this way. If I want to cry daily for a while, that's ok. If it makes me sad to wash away the last of his hairs, that's ok. If I feel sorry for myself for a while, that's ok.

And if the answer to being sad is to get another kitten then yes, I'll go back to 3 cats. Because that's ok too. My "friend" very snidely told me that this is unhealthy and blagh blagh blagh. Well, it's not exactly what I planned. I planned to have 2. But I also know that there are relationships that the 2 cats don't provide for one another, even though they do love each other, especially after the craziness since Eli got sick. Noah and Eli were raised as littermates. That won't be true for the kitten, but the kitten will appeal to Noah's playfulness in a way Anna can't because she's too mature (read: old. Almost 16).

I now just need to snap my fingers and have all wrapping done. Actually decorative bagging and boxing, because my vow this year was no wrapping and no ribbons. I get upset trying to handle those things because my hands don't do well and it's messy and I want perfection. So, I quit. But I'm so tired of trying to get things together. So tired.