Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, January 04, 2009


I've rested a lot today. In fact after this I'm going back to bed.

Yesterday I saw Dr. Mind. He helped me gain a lot of perspective that was greatly needed. I have a right to feel sad, I'm mourning my cat. It's a big loss for me, and how he died was traumatic. I've not been using my light much. I've not been seeing Dr. Mind as routinely as previously, and had been planning to cut my visits. We decided that I'm not there yet. The more I think about this, the more I realize I really am not ready. I need a place to talk and I need the perspective he helps with. Dealing with people can be so hard for me because I don't know how to interpret interactions, and I think I still need to have help. I don't have normal social interactions and I need someone just to talk about what is going on. I wish I were really ready to move on, but I'm not. Once he said something implyinig part of this I realized how very stressed I've been about the reduction.

Another thing that came up with Dr. Mind was that I'm not eating well. This happens when i'm depressed and it's not good for anything. Once I started paying attention I'm eating extremely poorly and very little of most of it. I'll make something then pick at it. Unacceptable. So now I'm trying to eat and to get more protein.

I also have had several emails from Dr. Body. My depakote levels were high, even for me (mine are usually maintained at a high level) and the only other time I had them this high I didn't feel good. So we backed that down a bit too. I'm allowed to increase my AD reluctantly, but am trying to hold off.

I also (this is girly so be forewarned) realized that part of my problem is my menstrual cycle. It's causing significant cycling lately along with migraines that do not help my mood one iota. I was supposed to go to the gynecologist this week but I'm cancelling that so I can talk to Dr. Mind first, then collaborate with her. I've tried the pill before but threw up a lot from it so I'm not sure what will happen, but for whatever reason this is a new factor in the illness for me. Even the last few days I've started feeling a bit better just because of hormones.

So I'm hoping that a few changes will make a big difference.


Sarah said...

Glad that you were able to gain some perspective, but I'm sorry that you're still not feeling well. I hope you sleep like a baby tonight!

Cranky Amy said...

We finally figured out I was depressed when I got suicidal the day before my period started, and then the next day everything seemed fine. . . That started a long road. I don't know how long it's been since you have tried the pill, but there should be decent options out there.

Just Me said...

Sorry to all I'm not responding to many comments right now; I'm trying to keep my head above water.

I did though want to say that Amy is right; I need to find out about the mini-pill. I won't be needing the birth control aspect so it may work better for me. I also want to find out about the few periods pill as that may be the best option for me. Something wacky is going on with my cycles anyway; I'm developing cramps, enough to have me nearly doubled over today (day 3) at work. I've never had cramps before. So SOMETHING has to help here.

Emilija said...

There is a new low-dose pill out that you never have to take a break from, I forgot what it is called. But I take LoEstrin 20/1, and I take it so that I get 4 periods a year (I have to fill it a few extra times because it isn't designed to be take this way). It has changed my life! The first few months I had a lot of breakthrough bleeding and cramps, but it has all gone away. Now I don't even get a period during the "off" phase, which is supposedly okay on a pill this low, and it is a very low dose pill, and I feel very good on it. I hope that finding the right extended use birth control pill can help you.

Just Me said...

Thanks Emilijia. I was hoping you'd jump in here; I know this is one of your expertise areas.

I just can't believe this is happening. I NEVER have had troublesome periods, and now I've got cramps, migraines, and mood swings enough to make me think I'm cycling. And I don't think I was.