Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Sad but True

These last months have brought up a bunch of different things that we've previously worked hard at in therapy but which will come back to haunt me if things get hard.  Sometimes it's hard for me to even recognize these things as some of them are issues conquered years ago. I just realized a really tough one is back.  I kind of knew it but it wasn't clear how badly this has happened until I took off my patch because it was itching.  That happens sometimes and I have learned that if I have one that becomes itchy it needs to come off or I'll break out under it. This one I left one for some time after I noticed itching out of a strong desire to not be patchless.  however I also accidentally wore 2 for a day last week or over the weekend and I suspect this one went over one of those sites.  Anyway, for the first time in so long I can't remember I actually got a couple hives under the patch.  These are the tiniest, least worrisome hives ever and as I said, hives are part of this unless I am extremely careful.  They are meaningless and these ones will be gone by morning probably.  But my first thought was of all the horrible things that hives could mean.  Even though this is at least the 75th time I've had a hive or two under a patch and I know full well that all that it means is I can't use that site for about a week.

My brain is far out of whack.  I also still feel very stuck for answers.  I sent Dr. Body a very brief note this morning saying that while I think we do need to figure out how I didn't communicate my desire to use steroids to him well I wanted to jump ahead and before he works too hard on pursuing steroids  he needed to know that I suspect that psychiatrically it's not the right time.  I may be and am willing to do whatever to stop this, but I also owe it to my mental health to pay attention to the fact I'm fighting a huge battle on that end.  I know Dr. Brain will have the same reaction to steroids for vacation that Dr. Mind did, and that will be that I need to go on vacation.  I can't think of anything worse for my battered psychological state that spending vacation on the locked unit knowing I should be chasing my niece in the sand.  Further, if I'm going to do steroids I need to be able to handle the resulting psychiatric effects.  Right now I can't handle anything.  I may be wrong but I am fairly sure Dr. Brain will agree with this as I am at the greatest severity I have been at in at least a year, maybe longer than that.  The asthma is not good and causes me to feel some of this but it has all turned into psychiatric issues that need to be prioritized; I've been this way with the asthma this long, I seriously doubt much is changing soon.  Asthma had its chance to be first.  Now it doesn't get that for a bit until I can cope.

I'm just so confused by too many doctors, too many issues, too many priorities and I don't know which one really is first, but my gut says psych first, quite possibly surgery 2nd since by the time I'm better from the mixed episode surgery will be approaching probably, and asthma third.  I've offered to make way for aggressive asthma treatment multiple times and haven't done it, so it just has to wait for fall now.  hospitalization or a severe attack will change that, but I'm confident now in my ability to avoid those since I have thus far.  i just want to feel better, but that's not happening right now and I guess I need to get used to that.

Especially if there truly is no pulmonologist in the world who will treat a bipolar asthmatic on MAOIs.  (it sounds so easy....)


Anonymous said...

If memory serves me, you are usually spot on with your analysis of your needs. Trust those instincts and [try to] push for changes in that direction(?) From my own experience, the "I really need help with _____ before I get much worse..." are crystal clear.

You know, even under these circumstances, you write very logically and intelligently about how you feel and what needs to be done. I wanted to mention that just in case you felt the opposite was true!

Oh friend... I will continue to pray for your strength and for some answers. "Chasing my niece in the sand" seems like a very good direction from here.


WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

You know yourself better than anyone else. Just don't ignore the asthma if you feel it getting out of hand, please. Hoping you get to chase your niece in the sand sometime soon, even if not on the vacation you had planned.

Michal Ann said...

I'm praying daily for your healing. You do such a good job of managing; this post is a great example of your clear thinking in what is an obstacle course of challenges.

I'm so so sorry that you have to deal with so much. You're an intelligent and self-aware partner in your healing and again, I'm so thankful for your team. May all communication be smooth and clear in this season of multiple hurdles.

"May His blessings and peace be yours, sent to you from God our Father and Jesus Christ our Lord." Ephesians 1:2

With great respect and many prayers,