Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, April 30, 2011

I was so focused

I've not been writing much because I have been trying very, very hard to stay focused on 2 things: doing the bare minimum and sleeping.  I had a converation with Dr. Mind that he tells me was 2 weeks ago, I thought was one, in which I scared us both, in different ways.  When my mania is severe I have trouble talking because my mind is going faster than my tongue, or because I am thinking about 2 things at once or because new thoughts intrude and I go off on tangents and can't remember how to get back.  When this gets bad enough I either shut down in frustration or am absolutely unable to talk.  How severe this is is very indicative of how sick I am at any given time.  One of the chief factors in knowing it was time to go to the hospital early was that I could no longer talk, although at that time it was because my thoughts were so slow from depression that they were practically turned off.  When I told Dr. Mind that on the day I asked to be hospitalized he told me that the same reason was going to have him telling me it was time that day, something that I had asked him to decide for me if I couldn't at the time I first began the drug taper that led to admission.  So when I realized that my speech was that affected I knew I had to do something. Medication wise I had to see Dr. Brain first and we're actually still working on something that is helpful there (getting a lithium level done has been a mess).  That day Dr. Mind managed to help slow my thinking down enough that after I left I was able to realize I was about TROUBLE.  So I decided that much of what was bothering me was frustration with how I feel, knowing I may not feel well for months, frustration and anger at losing my ability to do things I want to do, and absolute terror.  Those thoughts kept chasing through my mind and I realized I had to stop them.  If I didn't I was going to wind up hospitalized along with feeling physically bad.  The hospital wouldn't be able to change that part, everything that can be done on that front is being done, and so a psych stay would only result in more frustration for me because I might have a better mood but not a better life. I still am very upset about various parts of my life, but for the time being I am working hard on focusing on survival mode.  I've changed things so that it might be nice to have quiet time in the morning I need more sleep and the only way to get that is at night, so I'm leaving notes to finish in the mornings.  I'm trying harder to do notes in pt's homes with variable success.  I get less time to blog, read blogs, read anything, etc., but at least I'm getting 30-40 minutes more sleep usually and that's a very big gain when you're getting only 4 hours and are supposed to get 6 minimum to stay well (not sleeping feeds mania which is unfortunate since mania deletes sleep.  It is a horrible cycle.)  I am trying really hard to handle only those things that I HAVE to handle.

This also is not something I am good at.  It means that when someone yells at me for no good reason and talks down to me and refuses to listen to what I say, I ignore it.  If i spend months plotting the perfect cake for a family thing today and the icing melted because i didn't put the thing in a cooler which the cake person told me not to do but i don't think understand how long the cake was going to have to be in the car, then I put that aside the best i can.  Etc.  These are not my talents.  But I am trying.

Today is family picture day and I need to get ready for that.  Again, no matter what staying very calm........i hope.


Michal Ann said...

I love this post. Your focus is so wise. I am praying for you often each day. Thank you for writing...but even more for sleeping. Hang on!

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known unto God; and the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

What a lot to cope with. When you describe how frustated you get shut in your own body, I think of my grandmother with Alzheimers and the anger she exhibited when her ability to communicate started to diminish. Take care! you have a great medical team, so glad you have them.