And things crumble....

Last week Dr. Mind thought I was a bit depressed. I fought it, but he was right. In fact, I just emailed Dr. Brain for what she wants me to take for it. I suspect I'm going to be back to the old dose of Seroquel. I have a feeling that the choking incident was traumatic to trigger my PTSD. I'm not sleeping very well, I'm sad, nothing is getting done smoothly.

Yesterday was the end of my orientation period at work. I knew I wasn't always super-effecient, and once I was told I had to get paperwork done more completely before leaving but then seemingly understanding was voiced of the reason the paperwork wasn't correct. I had no idea that these things were big deals.

Apparently they were. These things, combined with something that I can't go into, are placing my status into "extended orientation". I am told that this isn't because I'm in trouble, but since I had to sign the same kind of thing you get for a written warning I find that hard to believe. And, essentially, they were telling me they don't want to commit to employing me for more than 30 days.

They did listen to what I said about some of the issues I have with keeping up with certain things and how delegating these things might be better. They are willing to work with me. And they did have good things they are aware of, most specifically that I'm made a HUGE amount of money over budget for them last month, huge enough to get us expensive, fantastic equipment and possibly another assistant for me (which would really make the PT mad, but that's another story).

I think that there was some degree that the issue I can't talk about needed a scapegoat and I was in the right place at the right time. But of course I'm going to feel defensive like that. I also feel that some of my non-productive time is because 2 of my 4 assistants, 75% of the progress notes I read, are not done well at all. I've become more and more aware of this and am trying to address it. This takes time, but it is important. I want good work and nothing else.

I'm trying to remember that at some point in this job there will be a time that I will know my nursing home career is over. This is my last nursing home job and I won't change that. I don't know what comes next, but that part is God's job. So if I am let go in 4 weeks, well, then it will be time to figure it out.

But at the same time I feel like my whole world is crumbling......