Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Limits

I just read something about how personal is too personal on a blog. Which then led me to thinking. I write under a cloak of anonymity, knowing that if you all wanted to track me down you could. I even know one thread that would probably lead you to me eventually.

But overall I'm pretty open here about what's happening in my life, right down to the ugly details. Over time this has become the place that it is easiest to go to when I need to tell someone that I managed to throw up my pills into my shirt and strip without making any mess anywhere. Or that I can share frustration when I finally respond to meds only to develop severe constipation.

I'm entering new areas in therapy. I'm trying to work on fixing the parts of me that have been hurt so badly over the years that I don't trust people enough to have friends. I want friends. I'm tired of being sad and lonely. But the things that happened are so, so hard to talk about. It feels sometimes like every word is being yanked out of me with tweezers, even as they are words I need to say.

I can't write about it here. I'm in the midst of dealing with something that caused a lot of problems but which I can't go into much detail about without crossing that "this is the internet" line.

Consequently, I'm around but may not be posting a lot for a little bit. I may be totally wrong too. It's happened before. But the main thing right now is that I hvae to make myself focus firmly on this stuff and not let myself be diverted by stupid things from work, like the rehab aide (no training) telling me how to do my job. I could go on and on, and that is stupid.

I'll try to keep checking your blogs, although lately I've had no chances as I've been working horrible hours.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Of course it is entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with, but I do get something from reading your blogs and I would miss them.

Just Me said...

Thanks anon. That really means a lot. I am not saying I won't post anymore, just that it may be a few weeks before what is going in my head and what can easily go here mesh. Because I usuaully approach this thing with an attitude of "tell all, the point is to share what the illness is REALLY like" it's odd to me to pull away during a time that is kind of emotional. But that may not even happen, so far I'm moving slower than slow with the whole thing.

I guess another way to say this is that this involves another person/people. I can't really feel good about putting my feelings about someone else, esp. unpleasant ones, where anyone could find them. Not much chance it would be the person in question, but it's the internet after all.

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