Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Today is not 2007. Today is not 2007.

That last post had some parts that didn't make sense.  The problem was that I building up to my eventual understanding that I am in a mixed state, which is always true for me when bipolar stuff starts.  The simple definition of that (if you can say simple to something that is dreadful beyond words) is that I am both depressed and manic.  At this level it is just unpleasant and I would say I feel generally miserable but not horrible.  At it's worst, which won't happen now, I feel all the sadness and fatigue of depression along with the tears, wanting to die, hopelessness, and desire to hide from the world combined with extreme amounts of energy, the need to do, do, do and they must be big things to help burn that energy, racing thoughts and speech (both of which can become hard for even me to follow), insomnia that in the past (again when out of control which won't happen now because of Seroquel and much greater ability to control my moods with meds that didn't exist a few years ago) would mean days of no sleep and enormous doses of sedatives and sleeping medications to attempt to get any rest at all. Mixed episodes can be dangerous and I'll need to be careful to monitor my thinking and get help if needed (may be see Dr. Mind tomorrow or Tuesday if possible) because when very severely depressed like I was when admitted last year you can feel suicidal but often don't have the energy (in my case I wanted to die but was too sick to care enough to figure out how) to attempt it, whereas the mixed part makes you dangerous.   For now I just feel depressed and exhausted (which isn't from my moods but from sickness for so long) and agitated and I know my thinking is rushed and not extremely logical at times.  If things worsen obviously I'll be sure to get help immediately.  This used to be how I lived all the time, minus the asthma.  I was in a mixed episode pretty much for 6 years (longer than that but that was officially diagnosed years) continuously with variations in which end of the spectrum dominated (or they were equal as they are now) and how severe it was. Every time one happens now I fight fear even though I know that we have tools that just weren't available then.  This particular thing is feeling more mixed that I typically get now (usually now I can say one part is clearly worse) but I think that's because the meds are making me manic and normal human reactions to that are making me depressed which is the accelerated by bipolar.

So anyway, not handling all this so well.  It's hard to believe that it can be ok when I have intense memories of mixed episodes from the past.  During one I had actually managed to outlast extremely high doses of multiple sleeping pills plus huge doses of other sedatives and was sleeping a couple hours a day, maybe.  I got one wonderful night of sleep when Dr. Mind talked me through a relaxation exercise that helped so much he said he was considering if he could just let me keep sleeping at the end and work elsewhere if I fell completely asleep.  I slept that afternoon and night and then fought for 2 months more for sleep.  I would be desperately tired and unable to sleep.  Dr. Mind actually broke the cycle by coming up with some (now I see) riduculous reason to move all the furniture in my bedroom around.  It was, of course, extremely hard work that took days and nights and at the end I climbed into the bed and slept.  That's about when i got my first weighted blanket and the combination of total physical exhaustion and the blanket helped.  I didn't fully forgive Dr. Mind for about 6 months until I could admit that it was funny that he tricked me that way, but it worked.

And so is the valium i took a bit ago.  So goodnight.  I hope.


WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

Worry about ya, take care! My nephew who has attention problems wears a weighted vest at school and it makes him calmer and able to focus - does your weighted blanket help in that way??

Anonymous said...

Jen, hang in there.

With all that is/has been going on physically, and with the additional asthma meds, it is going to take a while to get everything regulated, and feeling back to your normal, right? Sounds like it's all spinning out of control at this moment - but it will stop. Give your body and mind a chance to calm and heal a little.

No, it is NOT 2007. You have made great strides since then and you will again. Believe in yourself - this is a valley you are going through. But please remember you're not walking it all alone, ok? One day at a time. One moment at a time. You can do it.

God Bless you girl - B.


learp17 said...

I continue to be amazed at the way you can talk so clearly about your bipolar disorder and the emotions and thoughts that go on in your head. You may think you sound "all over the place," but I find your writing very clear. It is fascinating to see how you navigate these challenges. You are doing awesome and amazing. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much, but I have read every post you've written since I found your blog, and I will continue to do so.

I agree with B., you CAN do it, and you ARE doing it.


Michal Ann said...

I'm encouraged by all you're managing to navigate, dear Jen. I'm proud to know you. Your loyal blog readers leave wonderful comments and it's great to feel like there's a whole team around you. I will continue praying on this long journey in the paths of righteousness. (Psalm 23)

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

Ephesians 3:20-21