Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Breaking point

I've not been coping well all week.  I feel so overwhelmed.  My life won't go on hold to let me cope, there's so much I'm dealing with, and my biochemistry is very mixed up from the symbicort to advair to symbicort dance.  It had to be done and while symbicort is harder psychiatrically than Advair it does have the advantage of actually helping me breathe.  It doesn't really CONTROL my asthma but it helps.

Waiting for the test results, and still waiting to know what happens next (I'm going to call and beg for mercy tomorrow because even if the dr. wants to talk to me because she knows I'm going to be traumatized by the ideas she is presenting) has not been easy.  Then I never, ever expected this to be the cause.  I was positive it was just early menopause and that nothing really could happen although I wanted to discuss and endometrial ablation.  I did not expect to hear biopsy and I did not expect to have anything in my uterus.  I looked at the report more carefully and this polyp is not small, it's about 1/7th the size of my uterus.  This makes me more sure it is going to be removed.  Plus it's causing too much bleeding.  I don't really want to keep it.  Yet how do you begin to explain that you have to have minor surgery after all the health problems I've already had at work?  I won't be doing this for a bit because of when my vacation is scheduled (although ugh, vacation is right in the middle of a probable blood fest) but I honestly think I'm going to call it personal and not tell anyone if possible.

I've tried to get in to see Dr. Mind extra all week; it didn't work. Next week he is booked so far but I'm waitlisted and prioritized on that.  I cannot deal with all of this alone.  He told me the longer I was there today the sadder I seemed.  I told him he watched me run out of the manic energy I force into getting me through each day.

I finally decided that it is time for a semi-break.  I emailed Dr. Body to be sure that he's ok with me hanging with partially controlled asthma for a few weeks.  Dr. Brain is back soon and hopefully can adjust something to help me manage the biochemical swamp in my head.  I simply asked for a break.  Allergy season comes soon enough and I'll need to have things changed then.  Medically having asthma only sort of controlled like mine is considered not great.  I want to work for more control but until I can cope with everything that the last 5 months have brought I just can't.  If he wants a check-up that's fine, but unless we have to change meds I want to see if we can handle a month or so at this level where I can wrap my mind around everything that the last months have brought without the assistance of even more screwed up brain chemistry.  I think that will be fine with him; he knows symbicort is really hard for me to handle.

Until then, well, I wanted to just go to Dr. Mind and cry.  Instead I continued the matter of fact story I keep telling and then get teary when he asks questions.  But I'm not optimally letting him help, so I need to be there more so he can see when I'm hiding.

I am just so tired and so confused and so overwhelmed.  I want nothing more than a few days of feeling truly good.  I'm afraid they'll never, ever happen.  I've been here before with my mood, it will improve.  I've never had medications making it all worse though......

I hope a few weeks where I can let my mind think and adjust and my brain chemistry even out will make me a better patient, maybe even more successful at the whole treatment thing.

We'll see.


Michal Ann said...

Good processing. It's a really tough time and I'm so sorry. I hope you're finding a few hours peace under your weighted blanket! Blessings, my friend, and may tomorrow be brighter.

"I will sing of your strength,in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." Psalm 59:16

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

Getting rid of the polyp and the heavy bleeding will have you feeling better. Hoping everything tests as OK! I'm glad you didn't put off going like I did.

Glynis Jolly said...

You might be surprised as how much better you feel once you have this minor surgery. If I were you (which I know I'm not), I wouldn't wait until vacation time. I'd have it done as soon as possible because it's playing havoc with me mentally. Why put up with that any longer than needed?

Remember, these are my opinions. You may have reasons for waiting that make sense.

I'm always here to bicker with.