Tough night. I had to use Valium to sleep and didn't get a lot of it then. So this morning was very groggy. Still is. I'm going in to work a tad later and that helps get the crud out of my body.
This whole thing started when I let Dr. Body know that for whatever reason this time the one medication is drastically increasing my anxiety, making it more obsessive than usual. That led to him being blunt about what I've been ignoring, he doesn't know what else to do besides this. If the issue were only the anxiety I could deal with it. Dr. Brain would fix that. But I am still having almost daily breathing issues. And I have no quality of life. Even though I had heard him say that before I hadn't processed it; don't think I was ready to. I think I needed to know Dr. Brain is with me before I thought about this. I assume (pray) he means he's stuck without going into meds I want to avoid. I have had 11 months of my life that were relatively normal and that I got to enjoy living and found out that I am able to do things i secretly was afraid i was just too lazy to deal with.
So I wound up writing him version after version of the same thing, trying to find the words to say that I will make the awful decision to throw my psych. issues way out of whack if there's a chance of it letting me breathe. At least we know those can be stabilized albeit not easily. But this isn't stable either and this life is not what I want.So it's not much of a loss I guess. I wound up saying that and trying to be sure that I am correct and that if this was not me that there would be more of a chance of success. Because I suspect we're going to have to pretend it's not me and get aggressive.
I just have found another part of me that has been deeply hurt by what I've survived, but this time it is what I survived trying to live so long with unstable mental illness.
I don't like it.