Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, March 18, 2011

That will take care of that

Because of the required frequent business use of our cell phones my company pays $30/month and then we get a pretty hefty discount as well.  I was having problems because I needed unlimited minutes but that isn't discounted.  However they were able to help me find a way to rearrange my minutes so I don't have to pay so much.  One of the main reasons I needed unlimited was to talk to my mother.  Well that's not going to be such as issue.

Apparently she feels like I complain through most of our conversations and then get mad if she tried to tell me it's all fine, no problems, etc.  She thinks I am completely negative.  I am not.  I am tired, under a HUGE amount of stress at work trying to keep up, I don't feel good, my bipolar is acting up, work has so much going on that anything that doesn't go according to plan messes me up hugely and stresses me out further, my hormones are way out of whack (from what I can tell from the blood tests and a reference guide), my body is still fighting with steroids, I'm trying to learn to deal with another chronic illness we can't see to control, and oh yeah, I may have to have a biopsy to rule out cancer.  My psychiatrist who normally would help me handle this medically is out for surgery, the doctor handling my asthma has been out, I've had to walk around on 2 sprained ankles and can't take anything for pain and i find being desk-stuck humiliating, I keep getting sick, i barely spend anytime at home out of bed because I'm so exhausted, (I'm also borderline anemic, probably from a combination of not eating well because I'm not hungry and the extra blood loss).  This week I took one day off and have spent the rest of the time making it up because nobody else can.  My company owes me $1500 and I've been waiting on that for months; if I don't get it in the next week I'm in trouble because my car insurance is due.  In fact, I just now realized that it's due Monday so I have to pull out the money saved for family photos if I can't put it on credit.  Oh, and since I scraped the paint off several places on my brand new car and I am not telling insurance I have a huge bill coming there too.  (Don't ask how.  It wasn't something I did, I just feel like I screw up everything somehow).

OK, so yes, I probably complain a lot.  My mood alone would cause that.  But apparently it is too much and she's not wanting to talk to me b/c I don't like her unreasonably happy responses (ie, my asthma is NOT going to go away.  If it does it will be a miracle.  But I'm not supposed to believe that.  I'm also supposed to not think my bipolar could ever get worse again even though realistically we hope for that but there's not promise.  In fact the steroids plus hormone imbalance make it so I'm really doing a pretty good job).

But complaining is NOT my whole conversation.  however, since it bothers her she'll be getting a lot less calls from me.  I know everyone has stress and that we all handle things differently.  However, I suspect that what i'm going through now is on the extreme side.  (And it's not even just that.  I can't have children because I couldn't handle raising them, I wouldn't do pregnancy on meds, and Dr. Brain has told me pregnancy and I would not mix well, as in hospitalizations and general misery.  But now my body seems to be saying "yep, that part of your life is over."  And that's sad.  I'm 35, and while timing doesn't matter it does make me sad.

So, my cell phone minutes will be going down rapidly.........Because she can call me.  If she wants to criticize how I'm coping with all of this then she can talk to me when I get around it to.  Whatever.  I also got criticized and blamed for "winding up" my niece the other day too close to bedtime.  My sister didn't say this, at least not to me.  And the whole "not in her bed, not her house, etc" is apparently not relevant.  Plus she was having a blast and when she got tired and immediately snuggled and read to her.  So again, whatever.

I want time away from the whole world.......except if I leave i pay when ig et back so maybe not......

(Oh, and did I mention this conversation came after I had just left work at 7:20 and have hours of paperwork to do but have to leave at 6:30 AM for my next patient so won't be doing it?)


Julia Roberts said...

I'm sorry...I say you have every right to "complain" if in fact that is what you were doing...I see it more as telling her what is going on and she maybe is seeing how she is seeing it.

And well the niece thing? Who cares if you wild her up - that's one of the benefits of being the auntie!

Michal Ann said...

Sounds like a "time out" is definitely in order.

Does making a list of all your challenges help you give yourself CREDIT for keeping your head above water? You're strong and capable under a huge load of stressors. Bravo!

I pray daily for your healing.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

Anonymous said...

From what I can tell, on your blog, you do NOT sit around and feel sorry for yourself and do the "poor me" speech. Far from it. You explain what is going on in a factual way. And, with ALL that is going on, if you want to whine (I think of it as venting) then you have EVERY right to do that. But you don't whine. You state concerns, emotions, outcomes, fears, and actions. Yeah, I agree Michal Ann, a "time out" sounds good. I just wrote a couple of other sentences about your illness/mother but deleted them. Not my place.

BUT, I AM a mother and do feel I can speak to that. Although my daughters are in their early 20s, they are independent young women. And if they want to call and vent to me, I WELCOME it! For crying out loud, if you cannot vent to your mom, who CAN you vent to? It's not a "duty" for me, it's actually a privilege that they feel safe enough to do so. And they also call me FIRST with their happiness and accomplishments. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel that listening, being supportive and available is what a mom should be.

You've got enough on your plate beside worrying what you say to your mom. That's my opinion and if I am talking out of turn, then please delete my comment. You can perhaps tell from my tone that this makes me feisty. grrr... :-)